{"id":11943,"date":"2024-01-30T12:00:00","date_gmt":"2024-01-30T11:00:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/holistic.news\/en\/?p=11943"},"modified":"2024-01-30T08:46:00","modified_gmt":"2024-01-30T07:46:00","slug":"between-hope-and-homage-wojciech-czuchnowski-on-care-loss-and-sense-after-family-death","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/holistic.news\/en\/between-hope-and-homage-wojciech-czuchnowski-on-care-loss-and-sense-after-family-death\/","title":{"rendered":"Between Hope and Homage: Wojciech Czuchnowski on Care, Loss, and Sense After Family Death"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<p> <\/p>\n\n\n\n<p><strong>Why did you write a\u00a0book about death?<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Actually, I&nbsp;wanted to write a&nbsp;book about my wife Agnieszka so that her death would leave behind more than just our family memories. It\u2019s also a&nbsp;form of my refusal to accept that she\u2019s gone. Finally, I&nbsp;must admit I\u2019ve recently had a&nbsp;recurring feeling of doubt about life after death, so I\u2019ve made sure Agnieszka will live on\u2014in the book.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p><strong>In the consolation book?<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>I\u2019ve been touched by opinions that it\u2019s an important book. Readers certainly appreciate the message that we needn\u2019t fear tending to a&nbsp;beloved person in a&nbsp;serious condition. On the contrary, we should do everything in our power to be with them\u2014provided that we have the necessary time, money, mental capacity, and yes, physical strength. Terminally ill people shouldn\u2019t suffer and die in hospitals or hospices. Even the best hospice cannot compare to the company and attention of a&nbsp;loving one. This message really helps people. Still, let me reiterate that I&nbsp;first and foremost wanted to preserve the memory of Agnieszka.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p><strong>You\u2019ve impressed me with how you took care of your ailing wife.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>If you <a href=\"https:\/\/holistic.news\/en\/are-family-attachments-a-cure-for-the-suicide-plague-parent-listen-understand-me-love-me\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\">love<\/a> someone, your view is different. Plus don\u2019t get me wrong, but it wasn\u2019t that hard: Agnieszka was a\u00a0very good, grateful, and aware patient. Her disease lasted for four years, with a\u00a0three-year break until the cancer recurred.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p><strong>An \u201caware patient\u201d? What does this mean?<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Aware of her disease. She perfectly knew what she required, when she needed help, what she had to endure, or what I&nbsp;had to do.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>A few ordinary things also made it all easier. For example, Agnieszka had always been rather slim, and her weight dropped further to just over 40 kilograms in the final phase of the disease. I&nbsp;had no problem lifting her or putting her into the bathtub. Sadly, life usually has women tending their ill husbands who weigh more than themselves.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>All in all, fate didn\u2019t treat us that badly, so we coped with the situation as best we could and remained very close. I\u00a0was spared the pain of the people forced to watch their dearest ones suffer for many years. When that\u2019s the case, carers often feel they cannot stand the other person\u2019s torment any more or bear the feeling that they will fail in their duty. I\u00a0didn\u2019t even reach the brink of such a\u00a0state myself.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p><strong>We recommend:<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n<figure class=\"wp-block-embed is-type-wp-embed is-provider-holistic-news wp-block-embed-holistic-news\"><div class=\"wp-block-embed__wrapper\">\n<blockquote class=\"wp-embedded-content\" data-secret=\"ONJMCs5QF0\"><a href=\"https:\/\/holistic.news\/en\/the-infinite-power-of-love-the-journey-of-parenthood-and-the-secret-of-immortality\/\">The infinite power of love \u2013 the journey of parenthood and the secret of immortality<\/a><\/blockquote><iframe loading=\"lazy\" class=\"wp-embedded-content\" sandbox=\"allow-scripts\" security=\"restricted\" style=\"position: absolute; clip: rect(1px, 1px, 1px, 1px);\" title=\"&#8220;The infinite power of love \u2013 the journey of parenthood and the secret of immortality&#8221; &#8212; Holistic News\" src=\"https:\/\/holistic.news\/en\/the-infinite-power-of-love-the-journey-of-parenthood-and-the-secret-of-immortality\/embed\/#?secret=UTC2MYI3Lc#?secret=ONJMCs5QF0\" data-secret=\"ONJMCs5QF0\" width=\"600\" height=\"338\" frameborder=\"0\" marginwidth=\"0\" marginheight=\"0\" scrolling=\"no\"><\/iframe>\n<\/div><\/figure>\n\n\n\n<p><strong>You\u2019ve said fate didn\u2019t treat you that badly, but you still had suicidal thoughts and plans.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>True, but they weren\u2019t really caused by despair. I&nbsp;am of an opinion that everyone can take one\u2019s own life\u2014even though Christian culture combats this viewpoint. Self-inflicted death is actually the only thing people can control: we don\u2019t govern our own birth, but we\u2019re able to decide when and how we pass away.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Our relationship lasted 34 years, but I&nbsp;wasn\u2019t a&nbsp;good husband all the time. On the contrary, I&nbsp;often hurt Agnieszka and gave her much worry. Certainly, I&nbsp;felt remorse afterwards, and maybe that was why I&nbsp;wanted to die with her.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Over the last 20 years of my life, I&nbsp;worked four days per week in Warsaw and three in Krak\u00f3w, at home. We spent every bit of free time together and I&nbsp;wasn\u2019t able to imagine my life without her.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Agnieszka saved me many times when I&nbsp;was about to fall and helped me whenever I&nbsp;did fall anyway. She kept me going and was the sense of my life, so I&nbsp;thought that maybe I&nbsp;should pass away together with that sense. The situation also made me think about us committing suicide together when it turned out that she couldn\u2019t be saved.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Therefore, I&nbsp;gathered an appropriate supply of various drugs well in advance. Still, every time I&nbsp;mentioned those ideas to Agnieszka, she reacted very firmly and made me swear I&nbsp;would never do any such thing. In addition to religious arguments (as she was a&nbsp;believer), she insisted that even adult children needed their father, and that was one of the reasons which ultimately convinced me. Besides, I\u2019ve learned that people are sheer cowards in such situations: we simply hold on tight to life.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p><strong>Her funeral took place a&nbsp;little more than one year ago. Looking back at the care and treatment she received, would you change anything if you had a&nbsp;chance?<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>It is not my purpose to discourage anyone from medical procedures, but I\u00a0sometimes think that the last phase of her palliative care was unnecessary. Maybe she wouldn\u2019t have been so exhausted in her last months?<\/p>\n\n\n\n<figure class=\"wp-block-image size-large\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" width=\"1024\" height=\"574\" src=\"https:\/\/holistic.news\/en\/wp-content\/uploads\/2024\/01\/holisticnews_A_scene_with_Wojciech_and_Agnieszka_walking_togeth_bbbdc051-16ba-42ed-a3d8-3585ea76f4ff-1024x574.png\" alt=\"\" class=\"wp-image-11945\" srcset=\"https:\/\/holistic.news\/en\/wp-content\/uploads\/2024\/01\/holisticnews_A_scene_with_Wojciech_and_Agnieszka_walking_togeth_bbbdc051-16ba-42ed-a3d8-3585ea76f4ff-1024x574.png 1024w, https:\/\/holistic.news\/en\/wp-content\/uploads\/2024\/01\/holisticnews_A_scene_with_Wojciech_and_Agnieszka_walking_togeth_bbbdc051-16ba-42ed-a3d8-3585ea76f4ff-300x168.png 300w, https:\/\/holistic.news\/en\/wp-content\/uploads\/2024\/01\/holisticnews_A_scene_with_Wojciech_and_Agnieszka_walking_togeth_bbbdc051-16ba-42ed-a3d8-3585ea76f4ff-768x430.png 768w, https:\/\/holistic.news\/en\/wp-content\/uploads\/2024\/01\/holisticnews_A_scene_with_Wojciech_and_Agnieszka_walking_togeth_bbbdc051-16ba-42ed-a3d8-3585ea76f4ff.png 1456w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 1024px) 100vw, 1024px\" \/><figcaption class=\"wp-element-caption\">Phot.: Maciej Kochanowski \/ Midjourney<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n\n\n\n<p><strong>At the same time you incessantly praise the doctors and their commitment to your wife.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>I have no reservations about the doctors! We have actually become friends with Agnieszka\u2019s treating physician, who was deeply affected by her death and perceived it as a&nbsp;personal failure. He attended her funeral and then the Mass celebrated on the first anniversary of her death. The case of her disease became strongly embedded in his memory because he had expected success, believing that there was still hope for Agnieszka and that she would overcome her truly serious condition. Moreover, the treatment was consulted with two hospitals in France and the USA. In short, my wife and I&nbsp;both felt we were treated specially. I\u2019ve really seen that Polish oncology offers world-class procedures and therapies.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p><strong>I was moved when I&nbsp;learned that you hadn\u2019t told Agnieszka\u2019s parents anything about her actual condition.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>It was Agnieszka\u2019s decision. Her parents are elderly people and have already suffered the death of her mother\u2019s sister, who also died of cancer.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>We agreed that such news would utterly devastate them emotionally. Unable to help much anyway due to their old age, they would only worry ceaselessly. Our opinion was actually proved right when I&nbsp;finally told Agnieszka\u2019s mother what was going on: she ended up in hospital the following day.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>No wonder that, having predicted such consequences, we wanted to avoid them for as long as possible. We spoke a\u00a0lot about concealing the truth\u2014because the word \u2018lie\u2019 seemed so inadequate. It\u2019s hard to believe, but her parents didn\u2019t notice it for three years that she wore a\u00a0wig\u2026<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p><strong>You may also like: <\/strong><a href=\"https:\/\/holistic.news\/en\/hearts-wide-open-five-types-of-love\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\">Hearts Wide Open: Five Types of Love<\/a><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p><strong>Is it possible to prepare for the death of a&nbsp;loved one?<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>I don\u2019t know. I&nbsp;can only talk about my case. At the onset of the disease I&nbsp;was actually certain Agnieszka would recover, and then I&nbsp;still hoped till the very end that we\u2019d make it. Years passed and she seemed to be making progress\u2014until the recurrence. When it happened, I&nbsp;thought we would take up a&nbsp;peaceful life somewhere in Sicily, and we bought a&nbsp;house there. After all, I read about so many people living on with this disease for a&nbsp;dozen months or even years.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Once the cancer recurred, I&nbsp;maximally focused on Agnieszka\u2019s brain surgery. It\u2019s a&nbsp;complicated and serious procedure with a&nbsp;high mortality rate, but she woke up almost immediately afterwards, felt good, and suffered no complications. \u201cThat\u2019s it,\u201d I&nbsp;thought.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>However, the biopsy of the resected tumor produced a&nbsp;poor prognosis. The doctors suggested palliative care because they believed there was no other way. My reaction was really bad: \u201cHow come?! Of course it\u2019s hard, but we\u2019ll win! Her body is emaciated, but she can still make it.\u201d When they replied that it was all they could do, Agnieszka and I&nbsp;refused to give up. We decided to go to Sicily. I&nbsp;hoped she would get well after two or three years, and I&nbsp;desperately clung on to stories of such recovery. For example, my friend\u2019s father lived for two more years after discontinuing his chemotherapy. \u201cAll right, then we have two years to go, and we\u2019ll spend them together in Sicily,\u201d I&nbsp;said to myself.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>When you tend a&nbsp;patient and perform all those tasks usually done by hospital or hospice nurses, your thinking changes completely. In fact, you have no time to think about what will happen. \u201cIt will be fine,\u201d I&nbsp;kept saying. It\u2019s simply easier to perform a&nbsp;sequence of duties day by day, hour by hour. I&nbsp;noted it all down in tables: Agnieszka\u2019s meals, body temperature, pain\u2026 Whenever the day ended as planned, we felt successful.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p><strong>And it all happened during your camper trip from Krak\u00f3w to Sicily. Was it supposed to be the coping stone of your relationship?<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>After the surgery Agnieszka said, \u201cYou were supposed to take me on a\u00a0journey, but what now?\u201d So we went. Yes, it was the consolidation and the coping stone because such was her dream at the time: to see \u201cour\u201d beach\u2014her beloved place. To view the sea through the bedroom window.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p><strong>Did Agnieszka believe she would recover?<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>I don\u2019t know, we never talked about it. The doctor said that miracles did happen. One thing was certain: she really wanted to visit Sicily, so we got that camper and left. It was an ordinary holiday vehicle, and we filled it with IV drips and other medical devices. Our daughter and I&nbsp;handled them all. We often stopped to make the journey a&nbsp;little less tiring. And we made it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p><strong>Why Sicily?<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>We had been there once. Everyone has their favorite place on earth. Agnieszka had fallen in love with Sicily and that beach, so we went there.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Having reached the destination, we drove straight to \u201cour\u201d beach, even before going to the nearby mountain town. I&nbsp;opened the camper door so that Agnieszka could look at the beach and the sea. We planned to return every two or three days to stroll along, with me beside her wheelchair. But that never happened. She passed away.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p><strong>How?<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Between one spoon of soup and another. I&nbsp;was feeding her.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Wojciech Czuchnowski is a\u00a0journalist and a\u00a0feature writer for <em>Gazeta Wyborcza<\/em>. He has received many journalism awards. His latest book <em>Dzbanek rozbity. Sceny z\u00a0\u017cycia, choroby, \u015bmierci i\u00a0\u017ca\u0142oby<\/em> (2023) was published by Agora.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p><strong>We recommend:<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n<figure class=\"wp-block-embed is-type-wp-embed is-provider-holistic-news wp-block-embed-holistic-news\"><div class=\"wp-block-embed__wrapper\">\n<blockquote class=\"wp-embedded-content\" data-secret=\"V3XYBxP27Z\"><a href=\"https:\/\/holistic.news\/en\/a-reason-to-live-why-do-we-need-purpose-in-life\/\">A Reason to Live: Why Do We Need Purpose in Life?<\/a><\/blockquote><iframe loading=\"lazy\" class=\"wp-embedded-content\" sandbox=\"allow-scripts\" security=\"restricted\" style=\"position: absolute; clip: rect(1px, 1px, 1px, 1px);\" title=\"&#8220;A Reason to Live: Why Do We Need Purpose in Life?&#8221; &#8212; Holistic News\" src=\"https:\/\/holistic.news\/en\/a-reason-to-live-why-do-we-need-purpose-in-life\/embed\/#?secret=QhrGxEHuYF#?secret=V3XYBxP27Z\" data-secret=\"V3XYBxP27Z\" width=\"600\" height=\"338\" frameborder=\"0\" marginwidth=\"0\" marginheight=\"0\" scrolling=\"no\"><\/iframe>\n<\/div><\/figure>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Wojciech Czuchnowski is the author of Dzbanek rozbity. Sceny z\u00a0\u017cycia, choroby, \u015bmierci i\u00a0\u017ca\u0142oby &#8211; a book about the disease and death of his beloved wife, Agnieszka. \u201cWe needn\u2019t fear tending our dearest ones. Even the best hospice cannot compare\u201d he says in a\u00a0moving interview hosted by Waldemar Kum\u00f3r.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":236,"featured_media":11944,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[434],"tags":[868,831,828],"class_list":["post-11943","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-humanism","tag-death","tag-feelings","tag-love"],"acf":[],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO Premium plugin v27.4 (Yoast SEO v27.4) - https:\/\/yoast.com\/product\/yoast-seo-premium-wordpress\/ -->\n<title>Between Hope and Homage: Wojciech Czuchnowski on Care, Loss, and Sense After Family Death - Holistic News<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/holistic.news\/en\/between-hope-and-homage-wojciech-czuchnowski-on-care-loss-and-sense-after-family-death\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_GB\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Between Hope and Homage: Wojciech Czuchnowski on Care, Loss, and Sense After Family Death - Holistic News\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"Wojciech Czuchnowski is the author of Dzbanek rozbity. 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