{"id":14757,"date":"2025-09-18T17:00:00","date_gmt":"2025-09-18T15:00:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/holistic.news\/en\/?p=14757"},"modified":"2025-09-21T19:25:04","modified_gmt":"2025-09-21T17:25:04","slug":"how-to-understand-a-teenager-why-rebellion-isnt-just-hormones","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/holistic.news\/en\/how-to-understand-a-teenager-why-rebellion-isnt-just-hormones\/","title":{"rendered":"\u201cIt\u2019s Not Hormones.\u201d Expert Debunks the Biggest Myth About Teen Rebellion"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

How to Understand a Teenager When They Feel Like a Stranger<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

Anita R\u00f3\u017ca\u0144ska:<\/strong> What are your first associations when you hear the word \u201cteenager,\u201d also considering that you are a mother of twin girls?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Krystyna Romanowska:<\/strong> Rebellious, sad, lost, sometimes the kind of person we adults don\u2019t even want to look at. We are afraid of them, because we don\u2019t understand them. But this image is a harmful simplification. Among the \u201cdifficult ones\u201d are also teenagers who do wonderful things \u2014 they are socially active, they get involved. We should look at teenagers as a group of very different individuals. And we should remember that they are still the same children who not so long ago were sitting on our laps. This is simply another developmental stage, not some \u201calien creature.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

A.R.: <\/strong>People often say it\u2019s the fault of \u201craging hormones,\u201d but that\u2019s a big oversimplification. It\u2019s just biology.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

K.R.:<\/strong> Yes, on a neurological level a lot is happening in their brains \u2014 neurons die and new ones are created. Hence the mood swings or overinterpretation of adult intentions. If we think about this from the perspective of a biologist, we develop more tenderness and patience. These processes are not happening to spite us \u2014 this is just a natural developmental cycle. Our children are helpless against this biology.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Teenage Rebellion or Just Another Stage of Development?<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

A.R.:<\/strong> Dr. Agnieszka D\u0105browska, whom you spoke to in your book, compared this state to having a cold. When a child is sick, we are more empathetic.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

K.R.:<\/strong> That\u2019s a good metaphor, although this stage lasts longer than a cold. A teenager needs their parent exactly the way a toddler does during the \u201cterrible twos\u201d: as someone to lean on but also to push against and even fight a little. The parent is a sparring partner for an almost-adult who still desperately needs them.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

A.R.:<\/strong> Teenagers often don\u2019t understand what is happening to them. Maybe we should also talk to them about these biological changes?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

K.R.:<\/strong> Absolutely. They often feel uncomfortable in their bodies, as if they want to jump out of their skin. They don\u2019t know why they lash out at those closest to them.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

A.R.:<\/strong> And we adults are also capable of overinterpreting. In your books you write about the \u201cover-psychologization\u201d of parents. We look for the perfect method, losing trust in ourselves.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

K.R.:<\/strong> Yes, the system \u2014 meaning psychology, guidebooks, the media \u2014 told parents: \u201cyou are not the best experts on your children, we have better ones.\u201d And parents believed it. Today, many adults go to a psychiatrist because their child is afraid of a test. Of course, in truly concerning situations professional help is necessary, but we must distinguish between what is within my parental competence and what is a real disorder. A psychiatrist who sees a child for the first time cannot support them as well as a \u201cgood enough\u201d parent who knows them. We must believe in our competence \u2014 and we must also reject another harmful fantasy: \u201cyou can shape your child however you want.\u201d That is not true. Children inherit traits from us \u2014 temperament and character. We can model certain things, but not everything.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Perfectionism in Parenting and Teenage Rebellion<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

A.R.:<\/strong> Those are important words. I feel that modern parents are constantly being told that they are responsible for everything concerning their child. Social media promote the image of the \u201cperfect mom,\u201d full of advice and tips. As a young mother, I fell into that trap myself and know that I could not live up to it. Fortunately, I had wise, close people around me who told me that it\u2019s not about being the \u201cperfect mom.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

K.R.:<\/strong> I absolutely agree. In our book we call it the \u201cpressure to be perfect.\u201d This drive toward perfection in parenting can push us to the breaking point. The problem with guidebooks is that they are not about our child and not about us \u2014 they are simply the author\u2019s reflections. If a parent rigidly follows these rules, they end up in a dead end. The result is thinking badly about oneself, stripping oneself of competence, and seeking advice in matters where common sense and intuition should prevail. The fact that motherhood is now a choice makes society \u2014 and ourselves \u2014 demand perfection. And that is a trap. We must have room for real feelings and for being imperfect. It is enough to be a \u201cgood enough parent,\u201d not an ideal one.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

A.R.:<\/strong> Even \u201cgood enough parents\u201d sometimes struggle to communicate with teenagers and think about just \u201csurviving\u201d this time.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

K.R.:<\/strong> A teenager doesn\u2019t appear out of nowhere \u2014 they come from the little person we have been building a bond with for years. If we have a fairly good, close relationship with our child, the teenage years will not be survival school but simply another, perhaps more difficult, stage of building that bond. There is no manual for teenagers. Instead of looking for ready-made solutions in guidebooks, we must listen to ourselves and trust our parental competence \u2014 \u201cI am the best expert on my child.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Worth reading:<\/strong> Two Kinds of Praise: One Motivates, The Other Hinders Child Development<\/a><\/p>\n\n\n\n

How to Understand a Teenager Who Tests Every Limit<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

A.R.:<\/strong> One of the greatest challenges seems to be setting boundaries. Parents are afraid that their child will stop liking them. And here comes the theme of wanting to be their child\u2019s buddy.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

K.R.:<\/strong> Everyone wants to be cool for their kids. Meanwhile, setting boundaries is a fundamental part of parenting. Children need something to bounce off. If we don\u2019t set boundaries, we give them unlimited freedom and responsibility they don\u2019t know what to do with, because they don\u2019t have the tools. Teenagers are very conservative when it comes to rules. They want clear principles because that organizes their world. A parent who is inconsistent loses authority in their eyes.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

A.R.:<\/strong> Perhaps this is also because modern parents already carry a lot of guilt? In your book you describe parents as being \u201cdragged through the system\u201d \u2014 by schools, even specialists. Parents who hear \u201cit\u2019s all your fault.\u201d How can we cope with this enormous guilt and where can we find support when we feel the whole world is against us?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

K.R.:<\/strong> Once, we could turn to our families or supportive relatives \u2014 cry or express our anger. Today, in the era of social fragmentation, families are often on their own because they moved from another city, and it is harder. Parents can indeed be worn down by the system and often look for fault in themselves. The way out is certainly a sensible friend, if we cannot turn to our own parents, someone who has had similar experiences and came out victorious. A good therapist can also be a good address \u2014 but beware! \u2014 not one who blames parents for everything or sees them as the source of all the teenager\u2019s problems. Such a person is someone to whom we can entrust our disappointment, anger, and frustration. But I also encourage parental self-reflection \u2014 sometimes parents think: \u201cthe system is against me,\u201d when in fact they themselves are partly co-authors of the crisis.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Teen Rebellion Is Also a Story About Love<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

A.R.:<\/strong> Every teenager is different, every family is different. There is no ready-made recipe for a successful relationship with a teenager, but maybe there is something we should remember, especially in times of crisis?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

K.R.:<\/strong> I know that love for teenagers can be difficult, with its ups and downs. Nevertheless, I believe in closeness and in love between parents and children. It is important to keep perspective: we are together only for a moment, and it is good to live this time \u201cwell enough.\u201d We must look at these pimply teenagers and see the babies they once were. Deep down they want that too. Stories about teenagers on the edge and parents on the edge are stories about love \u2014 about the fact that we never stop loving our children. And that love, however banal it may sound, is what we should build on and rely on, especially in crises.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\n\n\n\n

About the Authors:<\/strong>
Anita R\u00f3\u017ca\u0144ska<\/strong> \u2013 journalist, for many years associated with television news. Today she heads the video department at Holistic News<\/em>, where she works on projects combining psychology and social issues.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Krystyna Romanowska<\/strong> \u2013 journalist publishing in Holistic News<\/em>, co-author of a series of interviews with Prof. Zbigniew Lew-Starowicz; co-author of the books Teenagers on the Edge: What You Don\u2019t Know About Your Daughters\u2019 Problems<\/em> and Parents of Teenagers on the Edge: How to Overcome Parental Helplessness.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

\n\n\n\n

Explore the full conversation<\/em>: <\/em>\u201eTo nie hormony\u201d. Ekspertka obala najwi\u0119kszy mit o buncie nastolatk\u00f3w<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Adults just want to survive the teenage years, while teens want to be heard. The clash of generations often feels like a battlefield \u2014 but it doesn\u2019t have to be. How can we truly understand teenagers? Journalist Krystyna Romanowska debunks myths and shows how to really connect with growing children.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":278,"featured_media":14759,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[434],"tags":[657,1787,1140,544,798,1142,1788],"class_list":["post-14757","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-humanism","tag-family","tag-how-to-understand-a-teenager","tag-kids","tag-parenting","tag-psychology","tag-relationships","tag-teen-rebellion"],"acf":[],"yoast_head":"\nHow to understand a teenager: Why rebellion isn\u2019t just hormones<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Wondering how to understand a teenager going through rebellion? 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