When someone criticises us, especially directly, the \u201cfight or flight\u201d mechanism activates. For the brain, this signals that something threatens our position or social safety. We react with tension, anger or withdrawal, even when the criticism is rational. For many of us, criticism strikes at our sense of self-worth. So how should we respond to criticism?<\/p>\n\n\n\n
A comment hits self-esteem<\/h3>\n\n\n\n
We usually want to think well of ourselves. Criticism creates dissonance: \u201cI am OK\u201d versus \u201cI did something wrong.\u201d That tension feels unpleasant, so we naturally defend ourselves \u2014 by explaining, justifying or rejecting the opinion.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Criticism can also trigger fear of rejection. As a social species, we are \u201cprogrammed\u201d for belonging.<\/strong> Criticism may sound like a signal: \u201cYou do not fit in.\u201d In the past, that could mean a real threat to survival. When someone criticises us, negativity bias often appears too: we focus on the negative and ignore, or minimise, the positive comments directed at us.<\/p>\n\n\n\n The brain reacts more strongly to negative information than to positive information. That is why 1 critical remark can overshadow 10 compliments. And finally, the way criticism reaches us matters too<\/strong>. Not every kind of criticism hurts in the same way. The most painful kind generalises and attacks: \u201cYou always do everything wrong,\u201d \u201cAgain, you didn\u2019t do it the way you should have,\u201d \u201cAll you ever do is complicate things.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n If such words are spoken publicly, in front of bystanders who hear them and see us in that difficult situation, criticism hurts twice as much. It also awakens negative feelings: anger, irritation, humiliation.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Aleksander Fredro wrote: Wise criticism enlightens; foolish criticism extinguishes.<\/em> He seems to have been right. After all, the point is not that we dislike every form of criticism. We dislike the kind that:<\/p>\n\n\n\n Many people can honestly admit that well-delivered, specific and kindly criticism can be very valuable<\/strong>. It is only our first reflex that often turns defensive. If a person remains open to the views of others and understands that they too make mistakes, friendly criticism will not feel like an attack. It will feel like something worth thinking about.<\/p>\n\n\n\n So how can we tell, in everyday life, whether criticism comes from good will and concern for us, or whether it is an attack rooted in hostility toward us? This distinction is not always easy to make. Still, it is worth asking: does this person want to help me improve, or do they want to put me in my place, dominate me or hurt me? And if so, how should we receive criticism?<\/p>\n\n\n\n It turns out that the intention behind criticism is crucial to its proper interpretation. Kindly criticism usually carries an intention of support and follows this motivation: \u201cI am saying this because I want you to do it better.\u201d This kind of criticism most often comes from people who care about our good, wish us well and may see something in our behaviour that we ourselves cannot see.<\/p>\n\n\n\nThe negative stays the longest<\/h3>\n\n\n\n
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Good advice or a hidden attack? This is how the brain works<\/h2>\n\n\n\n
First, check the intention<\/h3>\n\n\n\n
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