Discretion: An Outdated “Commodity” or Deliverance for the Psyche?

Francis Bacon (1561–1626), an English philosopher, politician and lawyer, wrote: “The best composition and temperature, is to have openness in fame and opinion; secrecy in habit; dissimulation in seasonable use; and a power to feign if there be no remedy.” His point of view expresses, on the one hand, a great pragmatism in the approach to life, but at the same time, it emphasizes the necessity of reaching a balance between openness and discretion, which is essential to building good relationships with other people. Mastering this skill seems to be a big challenge for the modern man who functions in the avalanche of information, very often losing his discernment: What belongs to their private and intimate sphere, and what is already common and generally available. That is why it is worth stopping for a moment on the issue of the ability to be discreet.

What is Secrecy?

The Merriam-Webster dictionary defines secrecy as: “the habit or practice of keeping secrets or maintaining privacy or concealment.” Such a standpoint is associated with caution in speech and action, and even with restraint. We do not say everything we know about a given person, because we are mindful of their wellness and safety. If someone entrusts us with a secret, we keep it to ourselves, being aware of our commitment to the other person, as well as the trust that someone has put in us.

It can also be noted that secrecy links with prudence: Out of concern for our well-being or that of someone important to us, we do not disclose certain information about a particular person or situation to others, so as not to expose anyone to discomfort or danger. In the same spirit, we refrain from making judgments and assessments too hastily, because we are aware that we can hurt someone even unknowingly by making an unfair evaluation, which may be due to insufficient data. However, observing the modern world, we often get the impression that people forget or do not know the rules mentioned above.

In the late 1990s, the then-popular Polish music group De Mono sang: „Wszystko jest na sprzedaż/Choć nie chcemy, to świat nas zmusza/Jak wysoka cena/W nas coś zmieni i poruszy/Wszystko jest na sprzedaż/Nawet wtedy gdy chcesz inaczej/Bo zawsze jest ktoś, kto chce zapłacić” (“Everything is for sale/Although we don’t want it, the world forces us to/How can a high price/Change and move something in us/Everything is for sale/Even when you want otherwise/Because there is always someone who wants to pay.”).

It is worth asking today: To what extent have modern people lost their instinct for self-preservation and in the pursuit of acceptance, popularity and fame begun to reveal their whole life to strangers? To what degree does the desire for profit, plaudits and compensation for emotional deprivation push us toward revealing everything to everyone in the virtual world? Do we still remember to keep the boundaries between what is private and what is public?

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Discretion as a Value

Francis Bacon also wrote that: “[…] an habit of secrecy, is both politic and moral.” Entering the field of moral reflection, he indicated that discretion is not only a skill that can be developed within oneself or art that is acquired through the practice of good habits but also the good understood as a concrete value. Reaching the Collins dictionary, we can find a definition of the values of a person or group as follows: “the moral principles and beliefs that they think are important.”

It is worth realizing that by sharing all the details about our lives both in the virtual environment or reality, we will not gain approval, recognition or all the more respect. Perhaps we will attract the attention and interest of others, but they will not always be healthy and compliant with the code of ethics. One should be aware that many people do not follow principles of conscience in their actions. Many people nowadays are just waiting to use the details of our private lives (voluntarily put on display by us for public use) for their own interest, gain, and media “success.”

Immanuel Kant (1724–1804), the famous German philosopher of Königsberg, wrote: “It goes without saying that in all dinner parties, even one at an inn, whatever is said publicly by an indiscreet table companion to the detriment of someone absent may not be used outside this party and may not be gossiped about.” In this context, one must ask oneself: Am I able and willing to be discreet about what I have seen, heard, and experienced, with a view to the good of the other person? Will my desire and need to share the ‘news’ with others and spread the acquired experience around, knowing that I may be doing great harm to someone by such an attitude, turn out stronger? A well-known saying goes that: “speech is silver but silence is golden.” There is a timeless and universal principle of discretion hidden in this… Do we see it?

Discretion as a Pattern of Behavior for Children

Great philosophers such as Bacon or Kant, when considering the issue of discretion, referred to the sense of taste, delicacy, tact, moderation, and confidentiality, i.e. the canon of high morality principles. Observing the modern world and the generation of the youngest, we have a conviction that this message is still too sublime and abstract for them. And yet it is the role of adults to continually seek ways to appeal to young people efficiently enough to pass on to them the knowledge and experience that our ancestors acquired. How to convince the youngest that secrecy, i.e. protecting their boundaries and taking care of their safety, is now a priority in both the virtual and the real world? How to make the youngest aware that the culture of online exhibitionism can be harmful or even dangerous?

A few tips may be useful for this task:

1. The basis of a successful relationship with another person is trust. Discretion allows and helps to build this trust in our relationship. When both parties are aware that they can rely on each other and that they can count on each other even in the most difficult situations, then naturally a bond of mutual commitment, responsibility and respect is formed. That is what discretion is about.
2. Sharing your life – from all sides on social media – in no way makes anyone special or worthy of respect. Perhaps on this path, we become more popular and “followed,” but is this an added value? Does that make us happier and more fulfilled? It is worth remembering: The more you reveal yourself, the more you will be exposed to hate and aggressive and unproductive criticism. Is it worth it?
3. What is most valuable in discretion is the sense of security. It is not worth sharing everything with strangers and revealing oneself in the virtual world. By protecting what is most valuable, we can save ourselves from bad experiences and violent comments from others who are not entitled to judge our decisions.

Secrecy is the Path to One’s Interior

Francis Bacon, a modern and classical guide to the meanders of discretion, wrote: “But if a man be thought secret, it inviteth discovery; as the more close air sucketh in the more open; […]” It is worth being open to others, but also keeping appropriate boundaries. If a person remains sociable, but at the same time focuses on getting to know their personality and understanding their mechanisms of action, it gives the impulse to others to delve into his or her inner self. Thanks to this attitude, each person tries to understand themselves better, which at a later stage facilitates establishing relationships without judging and stigmatizing others. This approach paves the way for the development of an attitude of discretion, which is a necessary and irreplaceable value in today’s world.

Translated by: Marcin Brański

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