Parenting with depression is incredibly difficult. But the results are surprising

Depressive disorders and the birth of a son: It was supposed to be different

“I was being treated for depressive disorders, but not consistently. Some days I felt better, others worse. The important thing was that I wasn’t falling completely apart. When our son was born, I was overjoyed.
A fresh start! The emptiness seemed to vanish. I even handled sleepless nights, teething, crawling,
and preschool like a pro.” —says 40-year-old Dawid, an accountant from Poznań.

“But when my son entered second grade, I began to pull back. I thought fatherhood would change
me, that it would make me feel something that would fix me. But that didn’t happen. I started
staying at work longer. I pretended to be busy, but really, I was just sitting in my car in the parking
lot, staring out the windshield. At home, I’d turn on YouTube, and Netflix, scroll through my
phone—anything to avoid thinking. The longer it went on, the more disconnected I felt from the
world. It was like everyone else was alive, and I was just going through the motions mechanically.”
—add Dawid from Poznań.

It was like someone had turned down the volume on all my emotions

He couldn’t sleep, started having anxiety attacks, and frequently woke up in the middle of the night.
“I would look at my son sleeping and try to remember that initial feeling of euphoria, but all I could
sense was a weight. I was terrified it would always be like this,” — Dawid recalls. “I returned to
therapy and resumed treatment. The medication helped, but I just felt… numb. It was like someone
had turned down the volume on all my emotions. Eventually, I stopped taking the pills. I didn’t tell
anyone.”

Should People with Depression Have Children?

There’s no one-size-fits-all answer, as it depends on the individual’s unique situation. Key factors
include the severity of the depression, the availability of social support, and access to effective
treatment. “It’s the wrong question to ask,” —says Dr Agnieszka Dąbrowska, a psychiatrist at the
Relacje Center in Warsaw. “While no one chooses to be depressed, an adult’s depression can
profoundly affect their child. A parent overwhelmed by sadness and unable to envision a hopeful
future may struggle to offer the support a child needs when facing their own challenges. A depressed
parent’s lack of optimism won’t lift a child’s spirits. However, depression is treatable.”

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An important factor in this discussion is the heritability of depression. Dr. Myrna Weissman from
Columbia University demonstrated in her 2005 research that depressive disorders can be passed down from one generation to the next. Children of parents with depression are two to five times more likely to experience the condition themselves. While these factors are significant, they do not determine
outcomes. Although there may be a genetic predisposition to depression, it doesn’t mean that every
child of a depressed parent will inevitably develop the disorder.

The impact of depressive disorders on decision-making

In their 1999 study Risk for Psychopathology in the Children of Depressed Mothers: A Developmental
Model for Understanding Mechanisms of Transmission, Sherryl H. Goodman and Ian H. Gotlib found
that maternal depression during pregnancy can disrupt the neurobiological development of the
fetus, leading to difficulties in emotional regulation later in life. Dr Dąbrowska further explains that
children who observe negative patterns of thinking, behavior, and emotions in their mothers may
internalize these patterns, increasing their risk of developing mental health issues. Additionally,
maternal depression often coexists with stressful life circumstances, such as family conflict or
financial hardship, which can further strain the child’s emotional well-being.

A child’s temperament, psychological resilience, and ability to adapt all play a crucial role in
determining their susceptibility to mental health challenges in the context of maternal depression.
These factors vary from one child to another, shaping how they respond to adversity.
Ultimately, the relationship between maternal depression and a child’s well-being is complex and
highly individualized. However, it often begins with a conscious decision—one that considers both
risks and strengths.

I Regret Nothing. Motherhood Despite Depression

Anna, a 46-year-old academic from Warsaw, has battled fluctuating mental states—anxiety,
depression, and insomnia—for much of her life. Today, she is the mother of 17-year-old Agata.

“It wasn’t easy. My biggest fear was that my struggles—my anxieties, mood swings, and moments of
withdrawal—would shape my child’s view of the world. That she would inherit my fears, overanalyze
every step, feel responsible for my well-being, and absorb my inner chaos,” – Anna recalls.

“I knew depression wasn’t just my burden—it could impact those closest to me, especially a child
who picks up on a parent’s emotions like a sponge. That’s why I fought every day to give her stability,
even when I didn’t always feel it myself. When I was struggling, I reminded myself that it wasn’t her
fault. It was my battle to face. But I also didn’t pretend to be happy all the time. Instead, I took
responsibility for my own emotions so she wouldn’t feel obligated to carry them. I wanted her to
know she had the right to her own feelings—that her joy didn’t need to be dimmed by my sadness,”
– she says.

The small, predictable moments to create a sense of stability

When Agata was little, Anna made sure to keep certain rituals in place: bedtime stories, Saturday
breakfasts in pajamas, and Sunday walks in the woods. Even when she felt empty inside, she relied on these small, predictable moments to create a sense of stability. But there was one thing she
refused to do:
“I never told her the world was a scary place—even though it often felt that way to me. Instead, I
tried to show her that challenges are a part of life, but they can be faced. That every emotion
matters,” —Anna says.
“Most importantly, I never tried to control her feelings or expect her to be polite, composed, or
shaped to fit my needs.”

Agata’s upbringing was also supported by Anna’s ex-husband, who shared parenting responsibilities
and provided stability during Anna’s more difficult periods.

Support is essential for parents with depression

Experts agree: that adults with depressive disorders can create a protective environment for their children, but it requires the right support—both from loved ones and mental health professionals, especially during the earliest stages of parenthood.
Tiffany Field, an American psychologist specializing in infant development and the impact of human
interaction on mental health, explored the effects of postpartum depression on mother-child
relationships in her 2011 review, Postpartum Depression Effects on Early Interactions, Parenting, and
Safety Practices: A Review. Her research highlights a clear reality: postpartum depression can hinder
a mother’s ability to bond with her child. However, early intervention—through psychotherapy,
family support, and, when necessary, medication—can make a significant difference. Field stresses
that recognizing maternal depression early and taking prompt action is crucial in preventing it from
escalating.

A parent with depressive disorders can still be a good parent

“When I look at my daughter now—someone who carries none of my neuroses or fears, who speaks
openly about her feelings and embraces who she is—I know that, despite the struggles, I managed to
protect her from my own battles,” —Anna says.
“I’m proud of her. But I’m also proud of myself—for not giving up, for fighting, for giving my child
love despite my depression. And for the fact that she accepted that love and turned it into something
beautiful.”

Would I advise people with depression to have children? “I don’t have a definitive answer. I only
know that I took the risk, and I don’t regret it. But I also know that without support, therapy, and the
willingness to separate my own fears from my child’s life, things could have turned out very
differently,” —Anna reflects.

“Depression doesn’t mean you can’t be a good parent, but it does make the journey more
challenging. You have to be honest with yourself about what you can give your child. And You can’t expect them to fill your emptiness or heal your pain. If you choose to become a parent while living
with depression, you have to commit to caring for yourself—not just for your own sake, but for
theirs. That’s the hardest part. But it’s also the most important.”

“Somehow” Isn’t the Same as Doing It Well

Dawid is back on his medication. He describes himself as “a work in progress.”
“If you had asked me before all this whether I could handle it, I would have said yes. Everyone
assumes things will work out somehow. But ‘somehow’ isn’t the same as doing it well. It’s not the
same as being the father your child truly needs,” —he says.

“I’m not here to say that no one with depression should have children. Maybe others manage better.
And maybe they have stronger coping skills, and better support systems. Maybe they can love fully, even
through the fog. But me? I shouldn’t have done it.”

Read the text in Polish: Rodzicielstwo z depresją jest piekielnie trudne. Ale efekty zaskakują