Stop Keeping Tabs: What Couples Get Wrong About Money

Reciprocity is natural — but how much is too much?

Money in relationships has long stirred debate, often strong emotions. “When my ex had money problems, I helped — I didn’t nickel-and-dime him for the meals he ate at my place. Later, when I needed support, he stepped up — that’s what a relationship is,” writes Marlena on a forum.

So which approach serves couples better — expecting a tit-for-tat return on every favour, or dropping that expectation? To test this, researchers analysed several cross-sectional surveys covering more than 7,000 couples in Germany.

The project ran for 13 years. At multiple points, partners were asked whether they expected something in return when they yielded or did favours for the other, and they rated overall relationship satisfaction on a standard scale.

Researchers tracked how attitudes shifted over time, both within individuals and across couples. The results, published in Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, are clear.

Money in relationships: when does it block happiness?

Across the full sample, people became less likely over the years to expect immediate reciprocation or recognition for sacrifices. The stronger the bond, the fewer transactional demands showed up.

Looking within individuals at specific moments, a pattern stood out: whenever someone started expecting more “payback” than usual, their relationship satisfaction dropped — both at that time and by the next wave of surveys. Those lagged effects suggest that reciprocity demands can steadily undermine relationship quality.

Intriguingly, as study author Haeyoung Gideon Park told PsyPost, couples in which both partners had similar “score-keeping” attitudes were not more satisfied than couples who differed. One factor mattered most: satisfaction fell whenever even one partner followed the “I did X, so you should do Y” rule — regardless of what the other believed.

It may be time to renew an old friendship. Read what holds us back?

What actually protects the relationship?

The findings show it isn’t shared ideology about balancing the books that shields a relationship from strain. What truly supports satisfaction is a low need to even up the ledger — on both sides — whether partners think alike or not.

If you treat love like an invoice, connection suffers. Ease up on the tallying: lowering transactional expectations is what helps money in relationships support, not sabotage, long-term satisfaction.

Read this article in Polish: Pieniądze w związku. Są najnowsze wyniki badań