Narcissism, Online Dating, and Algorithms. What Do We Forget in Our Connections?

Relationships in the Age of AI: What Is a Mature Relationship?

Anita Różańska: People talk a lot today about mistakes, toxic patterns, and what to avoid in relationships. I would like to reverse that perspective. In your view, what does a healthy, mature relationship look like?

Radosław Wołąsewicz, personal coach and therapist: Let’s start with a key word, one that is slightly out of fashion – love. Specifically, we must distinguish it from infatuation, as that is where the trouble begins. Most people confuse these two states. Infatuation is a powerful, euphoric feeling, like a mild intoxication. We feel “chemistry” and say, “I’ve never felt anything like this,” or “This is the one.” It is a beautiful experience that nature gave us to bring us closer, but biologically, it remains a transitional state, similar to an emotional disorder or a narcotic high. It must pass – and it does, on average after several months. That is when love begins.

Infatuation and Love – Two Very Different States

And what does that love look like?

Love originates from the mind. Of course, feelings and emotions remain, but that is the moment we make a decision: this is the person. When infatuation fades and euphoria disappears, people often start looking for a new partner, claiming that “the love has ended.” In reality, the infatuation ended, and the time for decision arrived – do I want to be with this person, do I want to care for them, protect them, and build a future with them? Feelings result from how we behave. I bring flowers to my wife, I listen to her, I talk, I take responsibility – and that is how I build the relationship. Conscious actions birth closeness, tenderness, and romance.

From my own experience, I know a relationship isn’t something you “set up” at the start and keep that way forever. We change, our partner changes, and circumstances change.

Yes, we change within the relationship and as individuals. We read different books, go to work, function in different environments, and pursue new goals. Partners develop in parallel, but not always at the same pace or in the same direction. Therefore, what they established at the beginning may become outdated over time.

Flexibility, Responsibility, and Shared Agreements

I believe it is worth returning to those arrangements regularly – perhaps every six months. Sit down, talk calmly, and reorganize things: who handles what, what our responsibilities are, and how we divide time between work, home, and rest. We must also remember flexibility. There are moments when one person takes on more because they have a calmer period, while the other faces a professional or life crisis. Later, the roles may reverse. A relationship is not a contract; it is a living organism.

Online Human Relations: Love and AI

Artificial intelligence and AI are increasingly entering our lives, including our relationships. At Holistic News, we described the story of a woman who began confiding in an AI – and it ended in divorce. Then there are AI chats instead of professional therapy, perfect photos on social media, and generated responses in messengers. Are we entering a new era where we seek support in technology rather than in another human being?

There have also been cases where conversations with artificial intelligence ended in tragedy – the loss of life. This shows it is not an innocent toy. I think of AI like a food processor. In the hands of a good chef, the processor helps make a great soup. In the hands of someone who has no idea about cooking, it can make a mess. But that doesn’t mean the processor is bad. It only amplifies the intentions of the person using it.

If someone talks to an AI and gives a clear message – “the stability of my marriage is important to me, I want to save my relationship” – the answers will revolve around that goal. But if “I” dominates the conversation – “my injury,” “my suffering,” without a broader context or the partner’s perspective – the AI reinforces that image and helps “escape the problem.” Often, this happens through the breakdown of the relationship. When a couple with problems goes to marriage therapy, the therapist hears both sides. Artificial intelligence will never replace a human being.

Dating apps have become the most popular way to find a partner today. However, uncertainty arises – who is really on the other side? Is the photo real? Is that person writing on the messenger, or is it an AI? What should someone looking for an authentic relationship do in such a reality?

Let’s start with what happens when we meet someone only through a screen. It is very easy to fall in love not with the person, but with our own image of them. It’s like a book versus a movie. Most people who read the book and then watched the adaptation say the book was more interesting. Why? Because it triggers the imagination – everyone visualizes their own world.

The same happens with online dating. We get a few sentences, a photo, an emoji – and our mind creates the rest. We fill in the gaps: their sense of humor, temperament, values. Thus, an ideal version is created to fall in love with – but it is not the real person, only our projection. Therefore, if someone takes a relationship seriously, they should aim for a meeting as quickly as possible. See what that person is really like – how they move, how they speak, how they react, how they smell. Only then can you build something.

Online Dating and Relationships in the Age of AI

Since people met online often turn out to be merely projections, where in the real world can one meet a potential partner today?

If we want to catch a specific fish, we must know which lake it swims in. If a woman seeks a partner who is responsible, well-groomed, passionate, and has a stable job – it’s worth considering where such a person spends their free time. Probably not in a nightclub. Very often, they are on a tennis court, sailing, or at a training course. Eighty percent of successful people regularly play a sport.

So, if someone is looking for a partner, they should go where such people are – sign up for a class, a course, or training. In such places, you can not only meet someone but also do something together. Play tennis, sail a boat, or collaborate during workshops. This provides much more information about another human being than an app profile.

At the beginning of our conversation, I mentioned that toxic relationships are a big topic today, and the concept of narcissism often appears. Who is a narcissistic person?

I’ll start by saying there are far fewer true narcissists than the media or social media suggest. Today, the word has become a label easily stuck to a partner – sometimes it’s enough for a man to set a boundary or do something against a partner’s wishes, and he is called “toxic” or a “narcissist.” Narcissists don’t always hurt people intentionally. Many of them create families, find fulfillment at work, and are admired by their environment.

They are often very charismatic people – politicians, leaders, entrepreneurs. They know how to put on a show and attract attention. I compare them to fire – they are warm and fascinating, we like to look at them, but if we get too close, we might get burned.

Toxic Relationships. Is It Possible to Live With a Narcissist?

How do you create a relationship with such a person?

Boundaries are key – clear rules and consistency in following them. We decide whether we approach that symbolic fire so closely that it starts to burn us. And here the question arises – do we get angry at the fire, or do we wonder why we put our hand in it for the first time, and then for the tenth time?

Or maybe we decide to get burned again because we want to see if a narcissist can change?

That is a frequent topic in conversations – whether a narcissistic person can change at all. From my experience, I know they can. Lately, more and more people – both women and men – have come to me saying, “I heard I’m a narcissist. Please tell me what I’m doing wrong and how I can win back my family.” These are not people indifferent to their own behavior. Very often, only when they lose something important do they truly start working on themselves.

Even if someone really wants to change, little will succeed without good communication. And here a broader problem arises – do we still know how to talk in relationships?

If there is conversation in a relationship, everything will be fine. The problem is that today we talk to each other less and less – we more often talk at each other. When you look closely, in most conversations, each of us is mainly thinking about what we want to convey and how to argue our points. When the other side doesn’t react as we expect, we raise our voices. And the other person thinks exactly the same. This means that instead of a dialogue, we have two monologues.

Real connection is built only by giving attention to another person – listening with curiosity, asking: “What did you mean?”, “Tell me more about that.” Such an attitude is a signal: you are important to me.

What are the biggest challenges for relationships in a world of AI, algorithms, and new technologies? What should we be particularly mindful of?

For me, the greatest threat is not the technology itself, but the fact that we stop taking seriously the values that are the foundation of healthy relationships – love, loyalty, responsibility, honesty, and keeping one’s word. AI can remind us of a date or create a diet, but it won’t make the decision for us whether we want to love someone or if we prefer to “exchange them for a different model.” Therefore, the most important rule for relationships in the age of AI remains within us – our values.

* Radosław Wołąsewicz – personal coach and therapist who has spent over 30 years supporting individuals in crisis, motivating positive change, and inspiring conscious living. He helps people understand the mechanisms of emotional dependency, setting boundaries, and building healthy relationships.

Read the original article in Polish: Narcyzm, randki online i AI. O czym zapominamy w relacjach?