To Have or to Be? How to Truly Live Through the Holiday Season

The holiday rush vs. inner reflection

The pre-holiday period is, for most of us, a time of intense preparation for the coming days. These preparations take various forms: from decorating the tree, buying gifts, cleaning, and cooking, to cleaning again (after cooking), all the way to inner experiences, deeper reflections, and spiritual contemplation. It is also a time for summaries and—perhaps—New Year’s resolutions.

The accumulation of all these activities in such a short window can trigger feelings of confusion, busyness, and rising stress. Questions echo in our minds: “What else needs to be done?”, “What did I forget?”, “Who else should I call with wishes?” The key challenge for the modern individual is how to meaningfully plan and allocate time to manage all these tasks. For many, a perhaps unconscious but deeply present dilemma emerges—a question of priorities. Put simply: during our celebrations, do we prefer to have or to be?

Fromm and Marcel on two ways of experiencing life

This moral dilemma and the choices associated with it were discussed by figures such as the German psychologist Erich Fromm (1900–1980) and the French philosopher Gabriel Marcel (1889–1973). In his book titled precisely To Have or to Be?, Fromm contrasted two life styles resulting from different attitudes toward the world, values, and goals.

The “Having” style according to Fromm

The “having” style focuses on possession and the accumulation of material goods. A person oriented toward “having” defines themselves through what they possess. Consequently, they often feel anxiety over loss and a need for constant accumulation. In this model, relationships with others are fleeting and instrumental, becoming merely a means to confirm one’s own value. In practice, this often leads to consumerism and subordinating life to the logic of things.

The “Being” style according to Fromm

The “being” style, on the other hand, is based on experience, authentic living, and inner growth. A person does not define themselves by possession but by who they are and how they live. Relationships based on empathy, dialogue, and compassion—on simply being with others—become vital. The “being” attitude fosters inner freedom, creativity, and responsibility for others. In daily choices, this means greater simplicity, a readiness to let go of excess, and a focus on meaning and the quality of experiences. Fromm repeatedly emphasized that the “being” orientation leads to a fuller, more human, and ethical way of existence.

Gabriel Marcel’s perspective

Gabriel Marcel wrote about these two models in a similar spirit, though using more philosophical language. For Marcel, “having” implies an objectifying relationship: treating things, people, and even oneself as something to be possessed, controlled, and exploited. This leads to alienation and the loss of authentic contact with others and one’s inner self.

Conversely, “being” for Marcel is associated with participation, presence, and fidelity—a relationship where neither another person nor one’s own life can be reduced to an object. Being is a personal experience rooted in dialogue, love, and hope. Marcel emphasized that the most important aspects of human life cannot be “had”; many of our experiences are mysteries to be entered into, rather than problems to be solved.

While Fromm developed this distinction through a psychological and socio-critical lens, Marcel did so through existential philosophy and personalism. Both pointed out that the dominance of the “having” attitude impoverishes a human being.

“To have” and “to be” in modern times

This distinction can be translated into our contemporary approach to the holidays. From the “having” perspective, Christmas becomes primarily a consumer event: the number of gifts, the lavishness of the table, the decorations, the cost of the dishes, and comparisons with others take center stage. Preparations focus on shopping, sales, and “possessing” the perfect holiday. This often leads to stress, exhaustion, and a sense of dissatisfaction. Family relationships may become subordinated to an external script—what is on the table and under the tree becomes more important than who is sitting there. Even joy or love is attempted to be “possessed” in the form of material evidence.

The “Being” attitude today

The “being” attitude shifts the emphasis to the experience: presence, mindfulness, and community. The holidays then become a time for being together, conversation, remembering those who are absent, reconciliation, and gratitude. Gifts take on symbolic rather than compensatory meaning; they are signs of a relationship, not substitutes for it. Gestures, rituals, and shared meaning become more important than their outward setting. Experiencing the holidays in the spirit of “being” also means openness to silence, reflection, and the spiritual dimension—an experience of closeness and hope that does not follow the logic of possession.

Finding a balance

Fromm and Marcel accurately diagnosed that modern culture strongly pushes the holidays toward “having,” but it does not eliminate the possibility of choice. Every individual—and every family—can consciously limit excess, simplify the form, and reclaim the meaning of the experience. In this sense, the Christmas season becomes a test of whether we celebrate to have something or to be more—with ourselves, with others, and with what we consider most important. It is vital to be aware of what truly matters to us and how we want (rather than feel we must or should) spend this time. We always have a choice.

Is it a radical opposition?

It is worth considering whether this sharp alternative is always applicable. Perhaps both Fromm and Marcel would agree that it is not about a radical choice, but about maintaining the right proportions. How much time do we spend rushing through malls versus talking with loved ones? During the holidays, completely rejecting the sphere of “having” would be artificial. Gifts, food, and decorations are the natural language of celebration. They help express joy and care. The problem arises only when they begin to replace relationships rather than support them.

“Having” can thus serve as a tool rather than an end. A gift becomes a sign of a relationship, not its measure; dishes create a space for community, not a field for competition. It is worth asking not just what to buy, but why and for whom—because then the sphere of possession is integrated into the sphere of being. Practically, this means choosing simplicity over excess and presence over perfection.

Leaving room for silence

Before the coming holidays, ask yourself: what should be most important? Meeting, conversation, peace, reconciliation, gratitude? Or the culture of consumption and accumulation? A gift can be an invitation to shared time. A dish—an excuse to meet. A decoration—a memento of family history. Then, “having” stops being an end in itself and begins to serve our mutual relationships.

It is also worth leaving room for silence and reflection—regardless of whether one experiences the holidays religiously or secularly. This is a moment where a person does not produce, accumulate, or consume. They simply are. Ultimately, deciding between to have or to be isn’t about giving up your possessions, but about ensuring that your possessions do not rob you of your ability to truly experience life.

Read the original article in Polish: Mieć czy być? Jak dobrze przeżyć świąteczny czas