Healthy Assertiveness: How to Raise a Child Capable of Protecting Their Boundaries?

Assertiveness is frequently discussed in schools. However, these discussions are often limited to isolated lessons, and the topic almost vanishes in everyday life. We forget that children learn through observation and imitation. From a very young age, they can draw conclusions and, based on these, shape their worldview. This worldview can be an illustration of a great adventure or a tremendous nightmare.

Humility Above All

Humility is one of the most important traits, the lack of which is often pointed out as a serious flaw. It has been ingrained in our minds as a virtue that is misunderstood and misinterpreted. Often unjustly attributed to the influence of religion, particularly Christianity, which is thought to repressively affect its followers, transforming them into submissive and manipulable martyrs.

However, in the biblical context, humility is the opposite of pride. It is a virtue described as the foundation for building healthy relationships with creation and the supernatural reality. In summary, it is the recognition of the truth about oneself and God, meaning an awareness of one’s limitations, and simultaneously, the omnipotence of the creator.

Translating this definition to universal values: in a humanistic view, humility is a state of mind and a life attitude. It is an awareness of one’s limitations, as well as the limitations of others, which gives psychological strength based on the belief that we are all equal and subject to the same laws.

Therefore, humility has nothing to do with ‘tormenting oneself’ and the compulsive reaction of denying one’s achievements, just so that no one thinks we are ‘snubbing our noses.’

Self-Worth

Although self-worth is an internal conviction about oneself, one’s abilities and limitations, its shape is largely influenced by the external environment in which we grow up. A child, entering the phase of freely exploring their surroundings, makes initial attempts to discover something new with the reassuring presence of a caregiver. If they find support and a safe base in this person, then they view the world as a challenge – something interesting and appealing.

A young child jumping on a trampoline and shouting, “Mom, look!” is not actually seeking a judgmental response like “how nice” or “very good.” What they really want is to be noticed. They seek to involve the mother in their internal state of joy, to share it with her and to experience the moment together. This is one of many situations where we can build a healthy, respectful bond, fostering in the child a sense of security and faith in their own strength.

On the other hand, behavior that is risky often arouses fear in the caregiver. A child who has climbed a tree likely did not foresee all the consequences of their action. As caregivers responsible for their safety, we must persuade them to descend safely. It is important to formulate a statement that clearly interprets the situation without judging the child. ‘This isn’t very safe, come down’ is a clear message realistically assessing the situation and does not diminish self-confidence, unlike saying “come down, or you’ll fall.”

A common behavior that undermines a positive self-image in children is the use of shame. It is definitely the last emotion we, as adults, want to feel. It often expresses disapproval of emotions or current behavior. Statements like ‘Such a big boy and crying’ or ‘Look at Anne, she didn’t get as dirty as you!’ are interpreted by the child as ‘big boys don’t cry’ or ‘I am worse than Anne.’ This leads to the formation of erroneous beliefs that persist into adulthood and are often the cause of later problems that are difficult to overcome.

Positive Reinforcement

In a child’s life, the most valuable asset is having caregivers who believe in their strength and agency. This belief in adults is, in a way, imprinted into the child’s psyche. Sometimes it is enough to let a child get their pants dirty or bump their head while trying to balance on a bike. If we constantly hold onto their bicycle’s handle and seat, they will always need us. Until we learn to ‘let go’ (literally, in this case), they will not ride independently. It is also crucial that, in moments of failure, we are there as a source of comfort, offering support, accepting their sadness and shame caused by the fall, and expressing faith that they will eventually succeed.

Parents also need to set expectations for their children. To raise a young person who can navigate the world, we must teach them about consequences and the principles of social coexistence. Unfortunately, the dominant model of behavior conditioning still involves punishments. Of course, they may work in some cases and yield quick results, but only temporarily. Punishment is an action that is based on fear. ‘If I do this or that, mom or dad will punish me.’

This instills in the child a fear of punishment, which simultaneously becomes fear of the person enforcing it, and surely no parent in the 21st century wants their child to be afraid of them. Moreover, a maturing teenager eventually realizes that parents ‘can’t really do anything to them,’ and the fear of consequences vanishes, as the punishments we can impose are no longer severe for them. The illusion that the child respects us disappears; they have simply stopped fearing us.

A much more effective educational method is positive reinforcement. Whenever a child does something we have asked them to, or spontaneously does something good, we should appreciate it. It is not about rewarding them for fulfilling duties or showing personal culture. It is about a kind word, a simple ‘thank you,’ or saying ‘I’m proud of you.’ Such words have a lasting impact, shaping a positive self-image and the belief that it is worthwhile to behave well.

Of course, we should not go to extremes, and everything should be approached with balance and sensitivity. Certainly, a child’s bad behavior that harms others must be immediately stopped. However, the goal is to try not to reach for reflexive, quick, and often erroneous strategies. More knowledge and respect will help us find the right balance between being demanding and loving.

Here Are My Boundaries

We are social beings. One of the basic determinants of mental well-being is proper functioning among others. Every day we face choices and often difficult situations. Perhaps we often feel wronged, whether in relationships, at work, or in other interactions.

The sense of grievance is a reaction to the violation of our boundaries, the infringement of our dignity, or the deprivation of our resources. Often, this happens in a way that leaves us unable to resist, such as through violence. However, there are times when we ‘give away’ a part of ourselves with a smile, only to later feel sadness due to a real loss, and strong anger directed at ourselves because we ‘still can’t stand up for ourselves.’

The phenomenon of pleasing others has its roots in low self-esteem and agency, and often, in a misunderstood sense of humility. We do not want to appear arrogant or immodest, and we certainly do not want to hurt others! We then give up our comfort to avoid the oppressive feeling of guilt that we have saddened, offended, or appeared arrogant to someone.

Teaching a child that it is good to share, but only when it is done in an atmosphere of mutual understanding and not at our own expense, is very important. A child has the right not to share their toy at a particular moment, the right not to be bothered by others, and the right to express their emotions and to be understood. If we adults learn that a child knows much more than we think, we will be halfway to raising an adult who can set their own boundaries and respect those of others.

Starting with Ourselves

The problem of misunderstanding our own children often stems from the fact that we ourselves did not experience sufficient acceptance in childhood. As adults, we carry within us a wound that bleeds. In our memories, there resides a little boy or girl who was frightened, unjustly punished, or humiliated, whether at school or at home. Being unaware of the limitations caused by our past, we will inadvertently pass on these improper patterns to our children.

An unprocessed past does not disappear with a solemn resolution: ‘I won’t be like my mother!’ If we do not work on ourselves, it will be more difficult to raise a child free from our own fears and guilt. Therefore, it is important to also take care of ourselves.

Translation: Klaudia Tarasiewicz