Hearts Wide Open: Five Types of Love

To describe this multifaceted and multidimensional phenomenon, the ancient Greeks used no less than ten expressions, each of them highlighting a different aspect. English, with ‘love’ and ‘cherish’ as the main options, remains far behind Greek diversity.

Without a doubt, the three most popular Greek terms are: eros, agape, and philia. Nowadays we often arrange them in a judging hierarchy: eros – the most primitive form of love, full of passion but deprived of reason; philia – friendship, free from excessive emotions and hence more mature; and finally agape – perfect love, completely altruistic and focused on sacrifice.

However, the ancient Greeks perceived all the types of love as realities supplementing one another, not as contradictions. They valued harmony, believing that it provides human beings with a suitable environment to develop.

With this in mind, let’s have a closer look at five types of love which are like five fingers of the hand – each of them necessary and contributing to the whole.

Filautia – Close Like the Thumb

The thumb is visually the digit closest to the body. Its mobility allows all primates in general and humans in particular to perform complex actions and use tools. This is a good metaphor of filautia – the love and friendship extended to oneself.

Many of us harbor false modesty, negating our own achievements in the name of misunderstood humility. This stems from equating self-love with selfishness or narcissism – but filautia is neither. Instead, it assumes discerning the truth about oneself, appreciating one’s skills, talents, and achievements, and accepting oneself with all the virtues and vices.

On the other hand, love for oneself includes progress, and that entails setting demands. Only a comprehensive approach can make way for a thorough change in the physical, personal, professional and relational sphere of life.

Thus defined self-love is the foundation for the golden rule of ethics: treat others as you would like to be treated (also formulated as a negation: do not treat others in ways that you would not like to be treated). Such love is the basis for developing the other four types.

Eros—The Finger That Points at Desire

“This is the Eros of the Heavenly Goddess, and heavenly himself, and of great worth both to city and to private citizens, compelling the lover to be much concerned for his own virtue, and the beloved too,” says Phaedrus in Plato’s “Symposium” when trying to describe eros.

In the culture permeated with Christian tradition, eros seems menacing and morally wrong. It is frequently associated with lascivious, intemperate behavior or even pornography. Many perceive this form of love as too carnal, forgetting that eros is a rightful constituent of human existence which drives action and self-improvement. Without it, humanity would never have reached the heights of creativity, sacrifice, or art.

Eros brings to mind the index finger because it is the internal power that helps us fulfill our dreams and wishes. Plato compares it to an intense force attracting the human being to whatever is good, true, and beautiful. Thus defined eros exceeds the physical, carnal, and sexual aspect, and reveals itself as a deep fascination, passion, and desire. “He is a great spirit (daimon), and like all spirits he is intermediate between the divine and the mortal…; he is the mediator who spans the chasm which divides them, and therefore in him all is bound together,” states Diotima in Plato’s “Symposium.”

Indeed, eros allows us not only to feel attraction, but also to win the person or achieve the purpose that woke up the desire.

Agape – The Perfect Top

Agape is often defined as the perfect form of love. It assumes an altruistic encounter with another human being to take care of their welfare and development without waiting for reciprocity. This entails complete dedication to a person or cause.

The middle finger makes a good candidate for its symbol, and there is good reason behind this. Agape is love extended to an inferior: from a parent to their child, from a mentor to their mentee, or from a volunteer to those in need. Despite a great deal of altruism, there is no equality in the relationship.

This love flies with two wings: affirmation and setting demands. Bringing up children is a perfect example of agape because it combines tenderness and acceptance with numerous demands, which may sometimes be very strict if necessary.

Storge – Inconspicuous But Cordial

The ring finger symbolizes storge – a love born out of belonging and bond. Its cradle is the family, from where it expands to cover the surrounding social groups and finally the nation.

The main assumption of storge is cordiality and exchange, aimed at building the common good. This relationship provides space to give and take alike, teaching its participants to offer sacrifice and accept it from others. Still, the bond and the sense of belonging which make up storge leave room for independence and freedom.

Philia – Vulnerable Like a Pinky

Philia can be translated as friendship. Like agape, it is based on altruism, but this particular relationship is equal.

“Only good people can be friends to each other because of the other person himself; for bad people find no enjoyment in one another if they get no benefit,” observes Aristotle in “Rhetoric.” Indeed, friendship covers the deepest and most intimate aspects of human life, and therefore cannot be built in a day. Since it takes much courage to reveal one’s emotions to a stranger, philia requires a trial; to some, its high demands become too hard to handle.

The word ‘friendship’ is sometimes used to refer to a relationship where people seek the fulfillment of their childhood needs: attachment, acceptance, and affirmation. Relations which provide specific benefits such as material gain are also called this way. In both cases, however, the other person is treated like a tool, not an equal partner.

The real philia is a process taking place between two mature people who choose, try, and finally trust their friend. Baring the sensitive spots inevitably makes them vulnerable—just like the little finger.

Five Spheres, One Love

None of the mentioned types of love is better or worse. On the contrary, there is room for each in human life, and only their integral development ensures harmonious, effective growth. After all, a stable house requires an even foundation.

The starting point is certainly filautia, which must be regularly revisited later on as well. Lack of self-acceptance or neglecting one’s own maturity precludes healthy bonds with others. Without eros there is no passion or desire to obtain things, acquire skills, or form romantic relationships.

“No man is an island entire of itself,” observed the poet John Donne. Consequently, life usually offers opportunities to share knowledge or use the obtained goods and skills to the benefit of others. Agape makes such altruistic help possible, while storge combines self-love, passion, and altruism in the effort to build the common good.

Finally, harmonious development needs the presence of another person on the same level of existence. This is where the process of philia can come into action and truly open people’s hearts to one another in complete trust.

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Translation: Klaudia Tarasiewicz