Deadly Silence: The Truth About the Fear That Robs You of Your Voice

“Captainitis” – The Paralysis of Critical Thinking

The year was 1977. At Tenerife North Airport, two Boeing 747s collided on the runway, claiming 583 lives. Later investigations revealed a chilling detail: the crew of one aircraft realized something was wrong, yet they remained silent. One does not question the captain’s orders.

Robert Cialdini, the renowned American social psychologist, described this and similar disasters as Captainitis—a state where a leader’s authority paralyzes the critical thinking of the entire team. As he noted in the context of aviation safety research, the direct cause of these tragedies was often a captain’s error that went unchallenged by the rest of the crew, who were unwilling to confront authority.

How to Be Assertive in Relationships

Maria Król-Fijewska, a Polish psychologist and pioneer of assertiveness training, established what could be called a “Decalogue of a Free Person.” This is not merely a list of tips; it is a catalog of rights—fundamental, inalienable, and surprisingly forgotten. They offer a simple yet profound answer to the question of how to be assertive.

You have the right to make mistakes and the right not to know. You have the right to hold your own opinion, even when it conflicts with the views of an expert, a senior colleague, or a supervisor. You may also say no. Most importantly, you retain the right to be non-assertive—to choose, consciously, to remain silent in a given moment.

Why are these rights so often neglected? Because they require something deeper than just mastering communication techniques. They require a grounded sense of self-worth. As Król-Fijewska wrote, without this foundation, even the most practiced phrases ring hollow.

Assertiveness Without the Fear of Authority

Where does this paralysis come from? Communication trainer Urszula Grabowska-Maleszko points to a concept she calls the symbolic parent. When we stand before an authority figure—a boss, a doctor, or an official—we trigger emotions that “remember” much earlier encounters.

Perhaps it was a father who did not tolerate dissent, or a teacher who demanded we sit straight and ask no “unnecessary” questions. Grabowska-Maleszko observes that an authority figure can become a symbolic parent—someone on whom we depend in some way. We then start to see that person through the prism of our childhood experiences.

This is not a sign of weakness; it is human neurology. The problem begins when a childhood survival strategy—be quiet, do not interrupt, the captain knows best—governs our adult lives and conflicts with the knowledge of how to be assertive. We remain silent in the doctor’s office because it feels “improper” to ask. We agree to a task we do not understand because the boss dislikes doubts.

Disinformation Through Silence

In her book Firmly, Gently, Without Fear (Stanowczo, łagodnie, bez lęku), Król-Fijewska highlights a rarely considered paradox: a lack of assertiveness is never neutral.

If I agree to do something I do not want to do, without informing those around me of what I truly desire, I am misleading people.

Our silence does not protect the relationship; it falsifies it. We build connections based on what went unsaid, on needs never expressed, and on agreements fueled by hidden resentment. It is little wonder, then, that we feel lonely among people who, we believe, ought to understand us.

The answer to the question of how to be assertive is not limited to techniques for saying “no.” Assertiveness is an act of Truth and a manifestation of what one might call the “ecology of relationships.”

Assertiveness as Maturity

Grabowska-Maleszko encourages us to examine our own relationship with authority—not to overthrow it, but to learn how to build a partnership based on communication. A dialogue where “I am okay, and You are okay”—this is exactly how Król-Fijewska describes the foundation of how to be assertive.

The co-pilot who tells the captain, “I disagree, let’s check that again,” is no rebel. His stance is one of responsibility. The patient who asks the doctor, “What does this mean, and what are my other options?” is not questioning competence; he is protecting himself. The employee who tells the boss, “I need more information before I can do this,” is not sabotaging the organization. He is thinking.

Assertiveness toward authority is not arrogance; it is maturity. And, as the black boxes from Tenerife remind us, it can sometimes be a matter of life and death. In the end, learning how to be assertive is not about defiance for its own sake. It is about speaking with clarity, responsibility, and courage when silence carries a cost.

Read this article in Polish: Zabójcze milczenie. Prawda o lęku, który odbiera Ci głos