“It’s Not Hormones.” Expert Debunks the Biggest Myth About Teen Rebellion

How to Understand a Teenager When They Feel Like a Stranger

Anita Różańska: What are your first associations when you hear the word “teenager,” also considering that you are a mother of twin girls?

Krystyna Romanowska: Rebellious, sad, lost, sometimes the kind of person we adults don’t even want to look at. We are afraid of them, because we don’t understand them. But this image is a harmful simplification. Among the “difficult ones” are also teenagers who do wonderful things — they are socially active, they get involved. We should look at teenagers as a group of very different individuals. And we should remember that they are still the same children who not so long ago were sitting on our laps. This is simply another developmental stage, not some “alien creature.”

A.R.: People often say it’s the fault of “raging hormones,” but that’s a big oversimplification. It’s just biology.

K.R.: Yes, on a neurological level a lot is happening in their brains — neurons die and new ones are created. Hence the mood swings or overinterpretation of adult intentions. If we think about this from the perspective of a biologist, we develop more tenderness and patience. These processes are not happening to spite us — this is just a natural developmental cycle. Our children are helpless against this biology.

Teenage Rebellion or Just Another Stage of Development?

A.R.: Dr. Agnieszka Dąbrowska, whom you spoke to in your book, compared this state to having a cold. When a child is sick, we are more empathetic.

K.R.: That’s a good metaphor, although this stage lasts longer than a cold. A teenager needs their parent exactly the way a toddler does during the “terrible twos”: as someone to lean on but also to push against and even fight a little. The parent is a sparring partner for an almost-adult who still desperately needs them.

A.R.: Teenagers often don’t understand what is happening to them. Maybe we should also talk to them about these biological changes?

K.R.: Absolutely. They often feel uncomfortable in their bodies, as if they want to jump out of their skin. They don’t know why they lash out at those closest to them.

A.R.: And we adults are also capable of overinterpreting. In your books you write about the “over-psychologization” of parents. We look for the perfect method, losing trust in ourselves.

K.R.: Yes, the system — meaning psychology, guidebooks, the media — told parents: “you are not the best experts on your children, we have better ones.” And parents believed it. Today, many adults go to a psychiatrist because their child is afraid of a test. Of course, in truly concerning situations professional help is necessary, but we must distinguish between what is within my parental competence and what is a real disorder. A psychiatrist who sees a child for the first time cannot support them as well as a “good enough” parent who knows them. We must believe in our competence — and we must also reject another harmful fantasy: “you can shape your child however you want.” That is not true. Children inherit traits from us — temperament and character. We can model certain things, but not everything.

Perfectionism in Parenting and Teenage Rebellion

A.R.: Those are important words. I feel that modern parents are constantly being told that they are responsible for everything concerning their child. Social media promote the image of the “perfect mom,” full of advice and tips. As a young mother, I fell into that trap myself and know that I could not live up to it. Fortunately, I had wise, close people around me who told me that it’s not about being the “perfect mom.”

K.R.: I absolutely agree. In our book we call it the “pressure to be perfect.” This drive toward perfection in parenting can push us to the breaking point. The problem with guidebooks is that they are not about our child and not about us — they are simply the author’s reflections. If a parent rigidly follows these rules, they end up in a dead end. The result is thinking badly about oneself, stripping oneself of competence, and seeking advice in matters where common sense and intuition should prevail. The fact that motherhood is now a choice makes society — and ourselves — demand perfection. And that is a trap. We must have room for real feelings and for being imperfect. It is enough to be a “good enough parent,” not an ideal one.

A.R.: Even “good enough parents” sometimes struggle to communicate with teenagers and think about just “surviving” this time.

K.R.: A teenager doesn’t appear out of nowhere — they come from the little person we have been building a bond with for years. If we have a fairly good, close relationship with our child, the teenage years will not be survival school but simply another, perhaps more difficult, stage of building that bond. There is no manual for teenagers. Instead of looking for ready-made solutions in guidebooks, we must listen to ourselves and trust our parental competence — “I am the best expert on my child.”

How to Understand a Teenager Who Tests Every Limit

A.R.: One of the greatest challenges seems to be setting boundaries. Parents are afraid that their child will stop liking them. And here comes the theme of wanting to be their child’s buddy.

K.R.: Everyone wants to be cool for their kids. Meanwhile, setting boundaries is a fundamental part of parenting. Children need something to bounce off. If we don’t set boundaries, we give them unlimited freedom and responsibility they don’t know what to do with, because they don’t have the tools. Teenagers are very conservative when it comes to rules. They want clear principles because that organizes their world. A parent who is inconsistent loses authority in their eyes.

A.R.: Perhaps this is also because modern parents already carry a lot of guilt? In your book you describe parents as being “dragged through the system” — by schools, even specialists. Parents who hear “it’s all your fault.” How can we cope with this enormous guilt and where can we find support when we feel the whole world is against us?

K.R.: Once, we could turn to our families or supportive relatives — cry or express our anger. Today, in the era of social fragmentation, families are often on their own because they moved from another city, and it is harder. Parents can indeed be worn down by the system and often look for fault in themselves. The way out is certainly a sensible friend, if we cannot turn to our own parents, someone who has had similar experiences and came out victorious. A good therapist can also be a good address — but beware! — not one who blames parents for everything or sees them as the source of all the teenager’s problems. Such a person is someone to whom we can entrust our disappointment, anger, and frustration. But I also encourage parental self-reflection — sometimes parents think: “the system is against me,” when in fact they themselves are partly co-authors of the crisis.

Teen Rebellion Is Also a Story About Love

A.R.: Every teenager is different, every family is different. There is no ready-made recipe for a successful relationship with a teenager, but maybe there is something we should remember, especially in times of crisis?

K.R.: I know that love for teenagers can be difficult, with its ups and downs. Nevertheless, I believe in closeness and in love between parents and children. It is important to keep perspective: we are together only for a moment, and it is good to live this time “well enough.” We must look at these pimply teenagers and see the babies they once were. Deep down they want that too. Stories about teenagers on the edge and parents on the edge are stories about love — about the fact that we never stop loving our children. And that love, however banal it may sound, is what we should build on and rely on, especially in crises.

About the Authors:
Anita Różańska – journalist, for many years associated with television news. Today she heads the video department at Holistic News, where she works on projects combining psychology and social issues.

Krystyna Romanowska – journalist publishing in Holistic News, co-author of a series of interviews with Prof. Zbigniew Lew-Starowicz; co-author of the books Teenagers on the Edge: What You Don’t Know About Your Daughters’ Problems and Parents of Teenagers on the Edge: How to Overcome Parental Helplessness.

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