Longing for Reciprocity

In the realm of European philosophy, Ferdinand Ebner (1882–1931), an Austrian philosopher who belonged to the school of personalism, once expressed:

“As I and You can only exist in relation to each other, just as there is no I completely without a You, there cannot be a You completely without an I.”

By this, he conveyed the essential dependency that binds one person to another. This dependency, which he explored further, included understanding the role and significance of reciprocity in forming human connections. What does reciprocity, something we often desire, request, and, in its absence, feel resentment and make claims about, represent to us today?

Alongside trust and openness, it is reciprocity that people most often identify as the cornerstone of a successful relationship. Reciprocity relates to maintaining a suitable balance between relationship partners, a balance viewed as a fundamental component of our acquaintanceships. The challenge, however, lies in defining what is ‘suitable,’ as achieving this balance is universally recognized as practically unfeasible. If we define reciprocity as a balance between giving and taking, then true equilibrium is elusive. In different areas and aspects of life, we give more or less to others based on various factors. These include our personality predispositions, character traits, and our emotional, psychological, and physical capacities. The same factors also determine the engagement level of the other individual in the relationship. So, how do we understand reciprocity without diminishing a relationship to a ledger of give-and-take? What principles should steer our relationship-building efforts to ensure that a sense of reciprocity is not undermined by transactional calculations?

Reciprocity – People as Windowless Monads

Martin Buber (1878–1965), a German philosopher renowned for his theories on dialogue and encounter, posited that the relationship of reciprocity between I and You conveys a profound depth in experiencing encounter.

“You encounter me. I enter a direct relationship with you. This relationship is, at once, a matter of being chosen and choosing, experiencing and acting.”

Thus, to meet another and form an acquaintance is essentially to select someone from among the many and invest in that chosen individual. However, this stance necessitates mutual expression.

“I become I through the contact with You. And You become yourself through the contact with I,”

— Buber elaborates. Through these words, he reveals the essence of reciprocity.

Each one of us exists in our unique worlds. Gottfried Wilhelm Leibniz (1646–1716), a German philosopher, legal scholar, and diplomat from the Enlightenment era, coined the term ‘windowless monads’ to describe the diverse components of the universe. This expression is becoming increasingly reflective of modern humanity’s condition—a being residing in its microcosm, devoid of connections to others. It is only when a monad (a self-sufficient isolated individual entity) decides to open its windows and is willing to connect with the external world, that the possibility of building reciprocity with other monads arises.

It is prudent to ask ourselves: which attitude do we more often assume in our day-to-day lives? Do we opt to reside in our seemingly secure and comfortable monad’s microcosm, solely concentrated on our needs, goals, and aspirations, or do we possess the courage to open up to, and accommodate, others? Antoine de Saint-Exupéry (1900–1944), a French writer and poet, remarked that “to tame entails the risk of tears,” but without embracing this risk, we are unable to engage in reciprocal relationships.

The Other as a Value

How does reciprocity with another individual alter our lives? The essence appears to lie in becoming significant for someone else. Monadic individuals live solely for themselves. Forming a relationship with another reshapes our operational sphere: I start to exist for someone, and someone starts to exist for me. My microcosm ceases to orbit around me but enlarges and, pushing its boundaries, welcomes another. Reciprocity engenders mutual significance. This sense of importance is crucial, as it unveils an ethical dimension. When the other begins to matter to me, he becomes an inherent value to me. The mutual regard we foster redirects my focus to the presence of the other. Józef Tischner (1931–2000), a Polish proponent of the philosophy of dialogue and encounter, states:

“Reciprocity implies we are, who we are, through ourselves. And through ourselves, we are situated where we are. This is how our drama unfolds, for better or for worse.”

Reciprocity, developed within various relationships—friendships, acquaintances, romantic or partnerships, should fundamentally root in respect for the other individual. This respect is conveyed through self-giving and by acknowledging the inherent value of the other person. No philosopher offers a definite, unerring formula to attain such reciprocity, but the caution Buber sends our way seems significant. Reciprocity remains unreachable if any party starts diminishing the I-You relationship to an I-It level. This is one of the great pitfalls modern individuals face.

“When I confront a person as my ‘You,’ uttering the fundamental word I-You, he is not reduced to an object amidst objects and is not composed of such,”

Buber notes, highlighting the personal aspect of our relationships. When I commence treating another as a means to an end, selfishly, the I-You relationship morphs into an I-It relationship. In such a relationship, respect is absent, and reciprocity is precluded.

Buber and Tischner, through their philosophies, provide profound insights for individuals today, navigating through intricate relationships with others. They illustrate the inherent interdependence binding one person to another and propose a deeper understanding of interactions, achievable when one bravely overcomes the limitations of their isolated existence and establishes connections with the broader world. This venture does pose the danger of either objectifying someone or becoming objectified. Nonetheless, the opportunity for reciprocity, founded on mutual respect, unveils possibilities for delving deeper into interpersonal experiences and extending one’s realm beyond the confines of a self-sufficient individualistic existence. Bearing in mind the caution not to reduce relationships to a utilitarian tally of giving and receiving, it might still be worth the risk to step beyond the confines of one’s microcosm in search of reciprocity. A life devoid of it risks becoming a desert, and the journey of a monad through the desert—a perpetual longing…

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