It’s Not Love, It’s Control – 6 Behaviors That Reveal a Narcissist

Narcissism in Relationships – Why It Is Hard to Spot at First

Narcissism in relationships is a silent yet devastating form of abuse. It starts with compliments and care, and ends with control, fear, and guilt. Most often, the man manipulates, and the woman does not even notice when she starts losing herself. How do you recognize that it is no longer love, but psychological abuse?

“I always did everything with him to make him happy. To make everything at home perfect. But he was constantly dissatisfied. He isolated me from my family and friends. He made me psychologically dependent. […] I know I don’t love him. I know I hate him. I know the harm he did to me. I know I want to leave and I know I want a divorce. But I still lack the courage. I can’t get rid of this mental block,” wrote 43-year-old Beata on the Netkobiety.pl forum.

There are thousands of stories like this. Behind the smiles, apparent care, and perfect image often hides a narcissist—a master of manipulation and control. Experts estimate that this affects up to 6 percent of the population.

That is why it is so important to learn how to recognize these signs before it is too late.

How to Recognize a Narcissist Before They Destroy Your Self-Worth

A narcissist does not enter a relationship to love. They enter to take control—first over your emotions, then over your life. That is why so many women say, “He was perfect at first.” That is how the entanglement mechanism works.

Psychotherapist Margaret Ward-Martin, specializing in therapy for victims of emotional abuse, emphasizes that narcissist always has a plan. It never starts with an attack. It starts with seduction, attachment, and building dependence. Only later does the narcissist reveal their true face. She states that there are 6 behaviors that most reveal a narcissist in the early stages of a relationship—and it is worth learning to recognize them before it is too late.

1. Sudden love bombing – The first warning signs appear early in the relationship. He showers you with compliments and declares his feelings. Talk of marriage or children quickly arises—because he knows it will be harder for her to leave then. This is not love. It is an emotional bonding strategy with one goal—to make you dependent as quickly as possible.
2. Excessive planning of your life – A narcissist never takes control immediately. They push boundaries millimeter by millimeter. At first, it is small things: he suggests a different dress, advises how you should respond to friends, “suggests” you work less because you “stress too much.” This is not care—it is a compliance test.
3. Restricting social contacts – A narcissist knows that as long as you have the support of others, he does not have complete control over you. That is why he slowly limits your relationships—but he disguises it as love at first: “I miss you, stay with me today.” Then: “Your friends are taking advantage of you.” Suddenly, you realize you only have him—that was the exact goal.
4. Phone tracking – A narcissist will never say, “I want to control you.” Instead, he says, “I was worried, that’s why I checked your location,” or, “I just want to know who you’re texting—that’s normal in a relationship.” This is not care. It is monitoring your life—step by step, deeper and deeper.
5. Lies while blaming you – A narcissist never takes responsibility. If he lies, it is because you provoked him. If he yells, it is because of your behavior. If he hurts you, it is because you “forced him with emotions.” That is how gaslighting works—he convinces you that the problem does not exist, or that you are the problem.
6. Financial control – A narcissist knows perfectly well that the one who controls the money controls the person. That is why he aims to make you lose independence. He calls it “planning life together,” but in practice, it is economic dependence.

A narcissist does not change suddenly—they reveal themselves in stages. First, they gain you, then they entrap you, and finally, they take power over your emotions. That is why victims often say, “I did not see when it happened.” Narcissism is abuse that does not yell—it works silently, step by step, until you begin to doubt yourself and lose the strength to leave.

The good news? You can stop it. But the first step is always the same—seeing the truth without illusions.

Why Victims of Narcissists Stay Silent and How to Regain Your Voice

Maintaining a healthy relationship with a narcissist is very difficult, which is why many women decide to break up. However, if you care about the relationship, you must be consistent and patient.

Psychologist and psychotherapist Monika Perkowska explains on her blog Psychoterapiacotam.pl that a woman in a relationship with a narcissist should be firm, set boundaries, and stick to them strictly. Do not allow exploitation or manipulation, and avoid arguments, because you will not win them. Do not be uncritical. A narcissist will see this as weakness, which they will later exploit. Therefore, it is important to take care of yourself and not allow hurtful words from a toxic partner.

Narcissism in relationships is a silent, but devastating mechanism of psychological abuse that robs the victim of self-worth, independence, and strength. If you notice similar behaviors in your partner, do not ignore them. The sooner you recognize the problem, the easier it will be to take care of yourself and your boundaries.

This is what you must know if you suspect you live with a narcissist:

Does a narcissist love, or just pretend? He pretends. At first, he gives an emotional illusion—then he treats his partner as a project to control.

Why is it so hard to leave him? Because he does it intentionally: he mixes tenderness with coldness, causing emotional dependency and guilt.

Will a narcissist ever admit guilt? No. He will always find someone to blame—most often, you.

How do you stop a narcissist’s manipulation? Do not argue with lies, set boundaries, and regain independence step by step—in silence and consistency.

Read this article in Polish: To nie miłość, to kontrola – 6 zachowań, które zdradzają narcyza