Polyamory, Swinging, Open Relationships: The Dangers of Normalizing Deviant Relations

Polyamory involves having multiple romantic bonds simultaneously. An open relationship allows for intimate and sexual contacts with others outside a couple. Swinging refers to partners engaging in emotionless sex outside their relationship. Each of these forms requires full awareness and consent from all involved. These concepts, having originated in the United States, spread throughout the country’s counterculture in the 1950s.

Previously, such experimentation was seen as a transient phenomenon, typical of a life stage referred to by psychotherapist Jay Haley as the “courtship period.” This is when a young person is learning to build satisfying relationships, mastering relational maturity through a method of “trial and error.” Among adults, however, these practices were considered deviant. Although not typically subjected to social stigmatization – especially in the case of well-known Polish artists like Magdalena Abakanowicz or Witkacy – they were generally viewed as abnormal. An American study from the 1980s, which examined the personality traits of swingers, found that they tended to fill out tests defensively, distorting information about themselves. This suggests that these individuals might have felt some shame.

Today, there is an attempt to normalize and legitimize these phenomena. Polish media devote considerable attention to them, presenting them exclusively in glowing terms.

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From a psychological perspective, certain personality deficits predispose us to seek such variations, impairing our capacity for love. This is explained by Milena Karlińska-Nehrebecka, Director of the Polish Institute of Integrative Psychotherapy, psychotherapist, and clinical psychologist: “Forming relationships with multiple people simultaneously excludes the possibility of a deep, intimate loving relationship. Such a relationship is based not only on sex or affection but also on responsibility towards another person and the ability to overcome one’s own limitations and habits for their sake.”

According to a therapist with 35 years of experience, there are several reasons why individuals might pursue such relationships, and they are often intertwined.

The Chaotic Bond

Giulio Perrotta, through in-depth clinical interviews of 550 individuals in polygamic relationships, demonstrated that the majority exhibited dysfunctional, pathological personality traits, ranging from neurotic and borderline to psychotic disorders. The most common types of personality disorders identified were borderline and narcissistic.

In these personality disorders, insecure attachment styles often occur, particularly the chaotic style, which may arise when a mother with a history of trauma experiences flashbacks while caring for her infant. Consequently, her anxiety, observed by the child, induces fear or anger. If this situation recurs, it solidifies the child’s response of fear or anger towards love and closeness. As adults, these individuals unconsciously react similarly, finding attachment too challenging and thus diluting it by maintaining concurrent relationships.

The Narcissistic Pattern

A phenomenon characteristic of narcissism is known as the “Oscar Wilde Syndrome.” It describes a person who is excited by the process of winning a partner over, only until they succeed. Once the partner is secured, they lose their allure, necessitating the search for a new one. As the Irish poet said, “I wouldn’t want to join a club that would have me as a member.” Historically, this phenomenon was only attributed to men, but it has become prevalent among women as well.

Another feature fitting the narcissistic pattern is the inability to integrate love with sexuality, what Freud called the “Madonna-whore complex.” A man perceives a woman either as a whore – someone in whom he cannot invest emotionally, yet finds sexually exciting – or he idealizes and loves her, but without sexual attraction.

Transgenerational Conditioning

Children learn through modeling, often unconsciously replicating their parents’ behaviors. Individuals who lacked exposure to deep, loving bonds in their childhood find it challenging to create such connections themselves. This refers to children of divorced parents or those raised by a single parent.

Another aspect of this dynamic is the multi-generational transmission. Within a family, especially along the female line, a narrative such as “men are scoundrels, do not let them get close” might prevail. This message does not need to be explicitly stated; it suffices for a girl to observe disdain from her grandmother towards her grandfather, or from her mother towards her father. A woman from such a family background might not allow men to get genuinely close. Choosing a “polyamorous” partner could fulfill this family narrative.

Moreover, the phenomenon of parentification – where a child feels responsible for an adult’s wellbeing, attempting to comfort, save, or make them happy  –  is becoming increasingly common. This occurs because a parent lacking good bonds with their own parents seeks emotional support in their child. Individuals raised in such environments are incapable of entering lasting, deep, intimate relationships and unconsciously sabotage such opportunities. Superficial relationships do not threaten their bond with the parent and also serve as an unconscious means of maintaining “family loyalty,” manifesting as being as unhappy as their parent.

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Condoning Infidelity and Dependence

Perrotta’s research revealed that for 78% of men, the direct stimulus for entering non-monogamous relationships was the experience of being cheated on. This suggests that men seek to protect themselves from further hurt through such arrangements. For women, 62% attributed their participation in non-monogamous relationships to traumatic, painful family experiences, potentially leading them to seek dependency and deeply commit to sustaining the relationship. The study also found that only 14% of women considered non-monogamy their independent choice, with the majority entering such arrangements at the suggestion or even coercion of their partners.

Victimhood Culture

The foundation for forming non-monogamous relationships is the transformation from a dignity culture to a victimhood culture, which promotes immaturity and the externalization of locus of control. This term describes where we place responsibility for our lives: within ourselves, acknowledging that what happens to us is largely a result of who we are and our actions, or externally, seeing ourselves as victims of bad circumstances or people. If we are inclined to perceive ourselves as victims and refuse to take responsibility for our lives, we may be predisposed to the relationships described.

The cultural normalization of relationship styles based on unconscious deficits poses a particular threat to young people, as it obscures deep love as an aspirational direction in relationships. Labeling deviance as the norm complicates the diagnosis of psychological problems and the pursuit of solutions.

Translation: Klaudia Tarasiewicz