Understanding and Overcoming Shame: A Glimpse into the Psychology of Emotion

Shame appears to have followed humanity since its very beginnings. It’s the centerpiece of the first story in the Bible. In Genesis, we learn about Eve, who—against God’s will—picked fruit from the forbidden tree, tasted it, and then offered it to Adam, who ate it. Shame engulfed them both as they became aware of the misdeed and—for the first time—their own nakedness. This simple story does a very good job of showing us the consequences of bad behavior. Shame is the sour aftertaste that’s left after you bite the forbidden fruit.

Human Nature and Shame

Legend has it that the shame experienced by the first people impacted countless generations of their descendants. Shame has become an integral part of human life, particularly in the context of raising children. Parents have long used the concept of shame to teach their children to stay on the straight and narrow to avoid feeling ashamed of themselves. And nobody likes to feel ashamed, even little children are aware of this.

Humans are ambitious creatures. We are always sure that we can achieve more and do better. We strive for perfection, and when we fail, we feel ashamed. A person who feels shame and is disappointed—mostly in themselves—would like nothing more than to simply disappear. In moments like these, nobody wants to expose themselves to the judgment of others. Shame makes us want to vanish from the face of the Earth. There we are, right at the top of the world, feeling lighter than air, but when everything comes tumbling down, almost as if mocking us, we become ashamed. Charles Dickens wrote, “Heaven knows we need never be ashamed of our tears.” Well, there’s plenty more left to be ashamed of.

The Face of Shame

A shameless person loses their face. That’s the body part you most want to hide from the world as shame overtakes you. Your facial expression betrays the very thing you try to keep out of sight. Nothing extraordinary about that. It’s actually shamefully typical. The difference between shame and guilt is that the former pertains to the human spirit itself, rather than the act. The feeling of guilt results from our actions, while shame is deeply rooted in our self-esteem.

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The Burden of Shame

In the long run, carrying the burden of shame becomes impossible. The feeling can intensify, getting overwhelmingly suffocating. How to free yourself from the pangs of shame? It seems that the only known method is to confront your guilt. To do that you need to admit your transgressions. Not to other people but rather to yourself. The more wrongdoings we keep secret, the greater our shame.

An excess of toxic shame can lead to severe psychological consequences, including a split personality, exacerbating feelings of social isolation. A person full of shame feels excluded from their social group and very much in pain. This has nothing to do with shyness, which is a positive quality (a virtue). A shy person is seen not as a wrongdoer but rather as someone naturally concerned about their privacy. Shyness is often equated with modesty.

Aren’t You Ashamed of Yourself?

Each of us has heard that question at least once in our lifetime. It turns out though that we’re not ashamed because we did something bad. Shame appears only when we believe that we are bad. According to Regina Brett —the author of “Love It All. 50 Lessons for Loving Your Self, Your Life and Everyone in It”— that’s when shame poisons our soul to its very core. How often it happens that we debase ourselves while thinking about our numerous imperfections: we’re ashamed of our height, our appearance, or lack of proficiency in a foreign language.

There’s plenty of reasons to wallow in shame, you don’t even have to look that far. It’s hardest for people who were psychologically abused in their childhood, as they tend to internalize and retain their shame. It’s very difficult to get rid of that kind of shame without special psychotherapeutic treatment. Moreover, shame can be perpetuated across generations through parents who teach their children what they should be ashamed of.

Planting the Seeds of Shame

Falling into negative thinking becomes easy when you’re pursuing perfection. When we make a mistake, panic often overwhelms us, fueled by the certainty that we’ve landed ourselves in serious trouble. Instead of considering our blunder as something ordinary that could happen to anybody, we start to imagine that our whole life is one colossal failure. Such a mindset can lead one to completely fall apart and transform into a hapless victim.

Overcoming the Grip of Shame

To rid ourselves of the shame that binds and hinders us, we need to learn to look at it differently. Psychological burdens often arise from shouldering responsibility for deeds we haven’t committed. Avoid feeling ashamed for the actions of others, and don’t take the blame for those who have caused you harm. It’s not your fault. They are the ones who should feel ashamed. Whatever has happened to you does not define or diminish your worth as a person. A horrible experience does not turn you into a horrible being. Focus more on your innocence than your wrongdoings.

Scars left by unhappy accidents are not a cause to be ashamed, even if they are visible on your body. Remember, you made the best possible decision in the circumstances you found yourself in.

The Talking Cure

Shame often leads to social isolation. A person burdened with shame often feels useless, fearful of confronting others and their potential reactions. A psychologist might tell someone who experienced sexual abuse in childhood: “Do not carry the shame of those who hurt you. It is they who should feel ashamed.” This is considered the best approach to overcoming feelings of shame. You shouldn’t let yourself become ashamed by the fault-finders that try to transfer their own shame and sense of inferiority onto you. Distancing from someone who has continuously made you feel ashamed is an act of liberation. However, the real challenge lies in silencing the inner critic within our minds.

If you’re struggling to break free from the debilitating cycle of shame, it’s worthwhile to seek help from a professional, to talk with someone you can trust. Opening up to a friend and acknowledging your shame can “break the spell.” Such honest conversations can reveal emotions hidden deep inside us, giving them a voice and a pathway to understanding—not only by a friend but also by ourselves. There might be topics you have been trying to steer clear of, shoving them into the darkest corners of your mind. Remember, avoiding conversation is always just a temporary solution.

Can Shame Be Good for You?

Shame, in itself, can be a positive force. It aids us in self-understanding and reminds us of our connections to society. Shame exists to protect the vulnerable traits we acquire during childhood. It teaches us to adhere to societal norms and not to cross certain boundaries. A deterrent against haughtiness and arrogance, shame acts both as a safeguard and a reminder of our limitations. A person who crosses the line is called shameless. In Western culture, the absence of shame is frequently viewed as reprehensible. Recognizing the value of shame and knowing when to draw the line is important. Those who fail to understand the rules of a society might struggle to gain acceptance within it.

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