When You’re a Dad: About Fatherhood on Father’s Day

The family model in which the main paternal role was providing material existence for his wife and kids has lost its binding status in our contemporary world. The trend in development in what we call parenting emphasizes equally the roles of mom and dad in their child’s upbringing. It’s right, especially in light of recent scientific research, to rediscover and emphasize a man’s role in the life of his children – after all, the first child-development theories appeared to pass it over in silence, instead, placing the main emphasis on the mother as the most significant “object” affecting offspring.

All this Freud…

Language the creator of psychoanalysis used causes many difficulties for those encountering it, especially when it comes to parent-child relationships he describes. On overcoming that initial resistance, however, it must be admitted that Freud had unusual intuition. He noticed and described two “milestones” in child development depending on gender, giving them names: the Oedipus and the Electra complexes. Their resolution, according to him, is the main condition for the human psyche’s proper formation.

The Oedipus complex reflects a son’s hidden, unconscious dreams toward his mother, wanting to have her only for himself. As the feeding, caring object, she’s the whole world to the child to the extent that for a time he doesn’t realize they’re separate beings. According to Freud, the boy’s unconscious mind inflames with the idea of getting rid of his father. But he’s held back by what’s called the fear of castration – that is, by fear of retaliation from his “competitor.”  This conflict’s solution will be substitutive satisfaction of the son’s “urge” through identifying with the father, thereby partially adopting the parent’s identity.

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Is it that inappropriate?

In translating Freud’s theories into contemporary language, expressing empirical, well-described child-development theories, we note that in many cases he was right. Many researchers emphasize the extreme importance of a man’s role in the psychosexual development of his son. Early childhood attachment to his mother results from the boy’s present needs for tenderness, warmth, and closeness, which the woman provides him accordingly. This doesn’t mean the father should stay on the sidelines. His role, however, becomes crucial a little later. As the boy begins to discover his independence and explore the world, he notices at some point that he resembles his father in many ways. So he begins observing him carefully and learning through imitation. His attention is drawn to the things his dad uses, and through this develops interests that we can describe as typically “boyish.” This is precisely the identification mentioned above in the Freudian context. That’s why boys so frequently announce that they want to be firefighters, police officers, and football players: in watching men perform those professions and in fairy tales and books, they’re reminded of their dad and want to be just like him. When boyish games and role-playing are acceptable to their dad, a child’s self-identification grows stronger, the basis for developing a mature identity on all dimensions.

Daddy’s little girl

Analogous to this is the Electra complex, by which Freud describes girls’ development. Interestingly, he then distanced himself from the term, using the same name for both sexes, that of the mythical Oedipus (the second name was coined by CG Jung, more about whom below). The process in question is a bit more complicated, though. The girl discovers she’s anatomically different from her father and can’t compete with him for her mother. So there’s a distancing from her, with the father becoming an object of fantasy and the mother a competitor for his favor. In Freud’s theory, the Electra complex isn’t fully resolved, therefore girls develop a weaker superego structure.

His theories should be read taking into account his times and their cultural contexts and moral realities. Seeing a woman as more submissive, delicate, and an object to be acquired is rather archaic thinking. Yet this indicates a delicacy in her nature that’s expressed in girls’ needs towards their fathers. For them, they’d be princesses; for them, they’ll often dress in beautiful outfits and want to be noticed. Acceptance expressed through admiration strengthens the child’s sense of belonging to her or his sex and, as with boys, it’s integral to the formation of a coherent identity.

The father achetype

After Jung and Freud stopped working together, the former began developing his concepts, and though he didn’t invalidate their earlier joint achievements, he termed similar mechanisms a bit differently. Archetypes are among the most important concepts Jung introduced into psychoanalytic language. One is the archetype of the father. Jung described it in the imagery of the heavens and sun, lightning and storms, and attributed to it all destructive qualities and aggression but also passionate fruitfulness and effectiveness. Here again, influences of that cultural context should be emphasized, yet this interpretation of the father figure has something real in it and, while the traits attributed to him can provoke fear, it also indicates the masculine nature, which at times is less accessible, mysterious. Isn’t it men that many social campaigns say don’t need to be ashamed of their feelings? Indeed, the role of a caring father who one even wants to call “daddy”, who’s present and attainable, is an ideal, but we don’t live in a world of illusion and the male role in the family is often complicated, burdened with plenty of difficulties arising from the man’s own interior.

Be and love

The dramatic model with a man abandoning his family and kids remain with their mother is most common among what are called incomplete families. And it’s precisely a father’s departure that makes a major reason for suffering among the youngest. Without a male figure of attachment, role model, or source of affirmation, boys and girls show enormous identity problems, which are expressed through lack of self-acceptance, low self-esteem, fear, and feelings of regret. The so-poignant thought that “I’m not worth anything” is an aftermath of rejection. This doesn’t have to be just a physical absence. Psychological distance that’s too deep, caused by fearing one’s feelings, and emotional coldness manifesting unresolved internal conflicts, also form the rejection of one’s offspring. While kids don’t need just food, clothes, and other things for living, how frequently is it still thought that “a man’s for earning, a woman for loving”? 

Fear is hereditary

Anxiety underlying many mental problems is a source of suffering in parents and also indirectly affects children. The fear of one’s feelings that’s been noted above can lead to emotional coldness, a sense of shame about showing tenderness and closeness that’s wrongly taken to be a sign of weakness.  Care is then supplanted by a firm hand and the father figure then becomes a figure that punishes, arouses fear, and forms in the child’s eyes the image of someone to avoid because he’s a threat. The rejection mechanism is activated, but here the child takes distances from the father to avoid the source of fear. With consequences that are very similar to those mentioned earlier.

A perverse thing: the sense of security

Children’s rights are discussed with increasing frequency, their subjectivity is revealed, educational methods based on positive discipline are advanced, and violence is being tackled. All of which is very good. It’s about one of the most important human needs, one that Abraham Maslow, among the preeminent figures in humanistic psychology, considered crucial for mental health: a sense of security. A problem arises though, when we talk too much about privileges and too little about responsibility.  A lack of requirements and consistency that are meant to prepare a young person for adult life acts against the child. Referring to the archetype discussed above once again, the father is the one who teaches the setting of limits and the assertiveness that are being evaded today in too many cases. The father is meant to be the guide showing how to live in a world that is beautiful, yes, but also full of dangers. He, having more courage by nature as an expression of the need to discover, will let the child swim in deep water and has the strength and power to save them when they trip up. It’s the father who should instill the need to take responsibility for oneself, and his decisions prepare a son for becoming a father in the future, as he provides a daughter the model of a man who respects a woman and, to put it lightly, like the finest of strainers he “checks” boys who’re interested in her. The father’s a guide, a defender, the father who respects and also requires, and he does it all in the name of love.

First discover love within yourself

When we don’t love ourselves, we won’t be able to love others. Even our kids, in the word’s fullest sense. Understanding the role of the father in today’s world, therefore, can’t be overestimated. The work needing to be done is quite concrete. First, you have to love yourself. And this is a tough task because we each must take care of the little boy in us who carries a load of wounds and unfulfilled desires. Fully accepting yourself and facing the often difficult past is the first step in becoming a good father. Only a true understanding of our behaviors, their causes, and mechanisms working within us can assure us of not transferring our fears or sick ambitions to children. Let the great effort put into preparing for the coming of a child be preceded by preparing oneself to enter the father role. We do so much for the past, let’s do more for the future. Children are our future and they’re the world’s future.