When Loss Hurts but Also Changes a Child

More Than Loss

Parental divorce or the death of a parent is an experience that enters a child’s life and permanently alters their inner world. For years, these events were viewed almost exclusively through the lens of loss, with children seen as helpless victims of family breakdown or grief. Yet not every child is crushed by divorce. Some develop qualities their peers do not. A 2025 study by psychologist Fahri Sezer invites us to look at this subject in a broader and more careful way.

Does Suffering Change Morality?

Dr Sezer’s study, published in Behavioral Sciences, sheds new light on how young people respond to experiences we usually regard as deeply damaging. The findings suggest that adolescents who lose a parent or go through parental divorce can reach high levels of moral maturity. This pattern appears most strongly among those who experienced the death of a caregiver.

At the same time, another side of the picture remains crucial. These same young people often also struggled with depression, anxiety, lack of support, and conflict. That part of the story cannot be ignored.

When Trauma Changes a Person

Developmental psychology suggests that painful experiences can sometimes become turning points. A 2024 literature review by Fahimeh Bahonar indicates that children may develop greater inner independence, a deeper understanding of themselves and the world, and increased sensitivity to ethical questions. Not only can their way of thinking change, but also their attitude towards others. They are more likely to want to help and to search for meaning in what has happened to them.

Research on adults confirms a similar pattern. People who experienced the loss of a caregiver in childhood more often show stronger empathy, a greater tendency to help, stronger social engagement, and a deeper sense of responsibility. Many participants were able to assign meaning to their experiences and turn them into actions that brought something good into the lives of others. This was not an easy process. It was painful, demanding, and different for every person.

What Really Shapes a Human Being

Losing a parent in childhood deeply affects the way a person experiences the world. On one side, there is pain. On the other, for some, there is the beginning of greater attentiveness to others and a stronger urge to act.

The key issue is not only the event itself, but the way a person finds their place in relation to it. Aristotle argued that moral attitudes are formed through action and practice, especially in moments that demand effort and prudence. Other philosophers also suggested that adversity can shape a person, provided it is worked through with care and understanding.

The Impact of Divorce on Children and Their Emotions

Research also suggests that the effects of family breakdown can vary by gender. Girls often seem to cope with the situation worse than boys.

This may be linked to the way young people are taught to handle emotions. Girls are often expected to stay strong and hide weakness, which can lead them to suppress what they feel. Boys, by contrast, may more often be given room to build independence and speak openly about their emotions.

Not Every Form of Suffering Makes Us Stronger

This is where the foundations of humanism come into view. The statistics are clear: children who experience divorce or the death of a parent are more likely to face depression, anxiety, problems at school, and even poverty. But that is still not the whole picture.

Suffering is not a value in itself, and it should never be presented as something necessary. Rather than telling children that painful experiences will make them stronger, we should say something truer and more supportive. We should let them know that they can go through such experiences in a way that does not destroy them.

Divorce has become a common reality today, including in Poland. Children often become the silent victims of adult decisions. Their experience can influence who they become, but only if they are not left to face it alone. In the end, understanding the impact of divorce on children helps us offer the support they need, so that trauma can become a source of empathy rather than only a source of pain.

Read this article in Polish: Trauma nie musi niszczyć. Może też budzić wrażliwość na innych